Sit down, mkay?
You know what sucks the most about being a fat woman?
It's not trying to fit in between two people on the subway without getting a death glare.
It's not asking a saleswoman if they have those pants in a size 16 and her arched eyebrows in response.
It's not even the occasional bouts of uncontrollable self-hatred and shame.
It's dealing with the completely erroneous stereotypes people make about fat women.
Fat women aren't jolly. Fat women aren't always nice. We aren't all great bakers.
Nope, sorry, false.
The worst of these stereotypes, in my humble estimation, are the ones about fat women and sex.
1. Fat women don't get laid.
Fat women absolutely get laid. Don't believe the hype, and by "the hype" I mean portrayals of sex in the media and your own totally borked idea about what passes as "sexy."
Fat women have curves and libidos and desires and we seek to put all that hawt business to good use by going out and getting laid.
Man, crazy, it's almost like we're normal human beings who experience a wealth of different experiences in our brief time on this earth or something?
2. Fat women give better blowjobs.
BECAUSE FAT WOMEN ARE PEOPLE WITH PREFERENCES AND SKILLS THAT ARE UNIQUE TO THEM AS INDIVIDUALS.
The idea that fat women give better blowjobs comes from the notion that a fat woman is desperate for any male contact she can get. (She isn't).
This wrong idea also comes from the fake-fact that because she presumably loves nothing as much as she loves eating means she'll be extra good at gargling balls. This is stupid. This is offensive. This will keep you from ever finding out how a fat woman's blowjob ranks, because she's probably way too busy giving them to someone who treats her like a person.
3. Fat women don't like being naked.
Guess what? Some women don't feel comfortable in their own skin.
Some of these women are fat. Some of them aren't.
I'm fat and being naked makes me exceptionally happy. The fact that I manage to put on pants daily is a miracle that I've yet to entirely understand and that's fine, that's how miracles work.
If a fat woman feels uncomfortable being naked (and she might, depends totally on the one woman in question) it's because she has been taught that her body is ugly. It's a lesson society likes to try and remind her of, and every other woman with a pulse, daily.
A woman's weight has nothing to do with how comfortable she feels in her birthday suit.
4. Fat women aren't flexible.
Tell that to my boyfriend when he's got my legs behind my own ears.
I'm kidding, please don't tell him, then he'll know I've been talking about our sex life on the internet again.
Being fat means that I have fat.
Being fat does not mean I don't work out. It doesn't mean I can't bend and stretch and flex.
You can assume that I can't, but if you make that assumption I will probably never sleep with you, so, you know, consider whether or not adhering to your offensive idea of what a fat woman can and cannot do.
Your call, (bad) hombre.
5. Fat women are sluts.
Man, can we not catch a break?
If we eat in front of you, we're gross. If we pass on dessert, you pressure us to just eat it.
We're too fat to get laid or we're too fat to turn down ANY offer of sex so we must all be sluts.
I am sure there are some fat sluts out there. Hell, I'm one of them.
But you know what?
There are also loads of fat women who are like, not that down on dick, fat woman who are particular about their particulars, fat women who are celibate.
Maybe you've finally locked into the trend here:
Fat women are people, and, as people, they tend to do a lot of different shit.
You can go ahead and unfairly stereotype us, but the truth is that makes about as much sense as claiming all people with brown eyes are nerds.
If you ever wonder something about a fat woman, ask that woman.
She'll be sure to put you wise.