Don't blame yourself completely.
By J.W. Holland
Early in our relationships, sex tends to be exciting, adventurous and frequent. From her parent’s guest room to a moving car, when the mood strikes it’s on. Then as things progress, usually after marriage, some couples find sex is nothing more than an afterthought.
A lot of issues can impact a couple’s sexual relationship. Health problems, mental illness, work and family responsibilities can all make one-on-one time difficult.
But there may be other reasons you are overlooking. The more you ignore the outside influences on your relationships wellbeing, the less likely you will ever be able to correct it.
1. America is still a society that sees sex as taboo.
When we are young, we don’t take into account society in our sexual escapades. We just want to get laid. It is a driving force in itself, and not much will deter us from its pleasures.
Then as we grow older, get married and have children we also begin to try to raise our status in the community. The desire for sex changes into the desire to be considered leaders, parents, and all around upstanding citizens. Sex has no place in the dynamic any longer. There are certain things that proper civic-minded people should do, and certainly, things from which good mommies and daddies have to abstain. You won’t get elected to the HOA if your neighbors know you have sex on the balcony or visit Vegas too often.
2. We don’t like boring stuff.
When we give into society, and it’s parameters for what sex is and is not we tend to go vanilla in the bedroom. The adventure goes away, and when that happens, the thrill isn’t far behind. Sex then becomes more of a chore than a pleasure.
In a life that is full of responsibilities, when sex becomes another one, it becomes easy to neglect.
3. Monogamy isn’t for everyone.
Yes, it’s true, some people just aren’t cut out to be with one person for life. In this situation, the boredom isn’t necessarily from the action but the costar. While the love may still be there, for many the mind always wanders to what else could be.
I believe this is pretty evident in the large numbers of affairs we see. And while some can stick with the same partner for life, it is certainly the exception that proves the rule.
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4. The mind is a bitch of a mistress.
I don’t think, in most cases, the desire for sex goes away. We still like the same things we have always liked. I certainly still have the same fantasies I have had since I was a teenager.
For some when the relationship doesn’t match the fantasy, the mind starts seeking what it needs elsewhere. The escape has to happen, and it can come in different ways. Some turn to hobbies or work; others turn to porn or mind altering substances. The more we rely on these things for our pleasures, the less we seek it from our significant other.
5. We can’t be honest.
We can tell our close friends just about anything that runs through our heads. Sharing our deepest desires with strangers sometimes seems natural. What we have a serious problem doing is simply telling the one we should be closest to what it is we want out of the relationship. We believe that if we share that fantasy, they will think less of us or even worse leave us. There has to be something wrong with me to want that, so I need to keep it to myself.
The more we keep these things locked up inside, the more they will torture us and eventually make us truly believe we are freaks or abnormal in some way.
Until you are willing to address your partner and your relationship honestly and openly, frustration will reign in your partnership.
If you keep quiet or only do what you think you’re supposed to then most likely you will remain frustrated and left with a feeling of unfulfillment.
Sex is fun, so get to it.
This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.