Simple (but effective) ways to focus on the good.
By Christopher Shea and Estee Kahn and Sharon L. Davis and Stan Tatkin and Nancy Dreyfus and YourTango Experts — Written on Jan 18, 2018
At one point or another, no matter how happy we are, something we wish didn't bother us is going to bother us, and the people we love are going to be irritated by things we think are inconsequential.
But the absolute worst thing you can ever say to someone who is bothered or offended by something is, "But it's no big deal! Let it go."
Saying that dismisses their feelings.
And, whether you agree with it or not, you should NEVER (repeat — never!) tell someone that what they feel is wrong!
Because we all fall victim to worrying about the little things, sometimes.
Part of finding the key to happiness and being truly happy is being able to stop worrying about things that don't have a big impact in our lives and learning how to let things go.
To not "sweat the small stuff," as the saying goes.
The question is how?
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How do you become the person who doesn't let the little things get you down?
Senior VP of YourTango Experts, Melanie Gorman, asked a panel of YourTango Experts in the video above — featuring counselor Chris Shea, social worker Sharon Davis, psychotherapist Nancy Dreyfus and psychologist Stan Tatkin — to offer practical suggestions on how you can finally achieve happiness, and let go of the unimportant things in life.
Turns out, it takes practice.
Here are two things you can try when you get bogged down by the little things:
1. Stop focusing on what is bothering you.
If someone recovering from addiction calls their sponsor when they have a craving, their sponsor will likely change topics and ask something like "did you catch the game last night?" and then proceed to talk about said game.
The same is true here — find something else to distract yourself with.
Watch an episode of a TV show that you like or color out your stress in an adult coloring book (yes, it really does help!).
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Music can a;sp be an especially big help! Listen to your favorite song, or talk to a friend about what music you love. After all, music is a great way to get yourself out of a bad mood, or to help connect you with others.
2. Break the cycle.
You need to interrupt the obsessive cycle.
There is a part of a brain that loops, and if that loop gets stuck on that little thing you're worried about, you'll ruminate on it until you are able to interrupt it.
So try this: Sit with your partner and focus on their eyes. Yes, literally stare into their eyes. By doing so, you help to turn off the looping part of your break and, if you do it long enough (about 10-15 minutes), you can actually break the loop!
The most important thing to remember is to never hurt someone's feelings by minimizing what feels big or important to them.
It may seem ridiculous to you, but to them it's very real!
Sure, you can try to put things into perspective for them, but be sure to honor how they feel.
Feeling invalidated will only force the other person to raise their defenses and will lead to fighting.
And when you're the one sweating the small stuff, try to step out your worry cycle and move on to something else.
Eventually, yes, you will have to go back to figure out what was really bothering you and address it — but it'll be easier to do that with a calm and cool head.
Just remember to take a deep breath, and don't let anything stop you on your quest for happiness.
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If you are having trouble with relationships, sex, attraction or anything else, please visit our experts' websites and contact Chris, Sharon, Nancy, and Stan directly. They’re here to help, and they'd love to talk to you!