5 Things Men Hope Will Happen EVERY Time They Have Sex

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They WISH!

Women. We are complex creatures. We are forever doing things like going to brunch, going to yoga, complaining about our ass size and talking about our feelings. 

Is it any wonder that men spend half of their lives wondering what on earth women want? 

Men on the other hand? Well, they are pretty simple. By and large, all you have to do to keep them happy is provide them with a recliner, a TV, and the booze of their choice. Chuck in a pizza and you maybe just caught yourself a husband.

Now, what men want sexually? That's a whole other kettle of blowjobs. 

Luckily, I've taken the guesswork out of that equation for you too! Here are 5 things every man WISHES happened to him during sex. 

 

1. They make you squirt. 

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To men, squirting is something mysterious and sexy. What most men know about squirting is twofold: that vaginal squirting is the most intense orgasm a woman can have, and that only a truly gifted penis can inspire a woman to squirt vaginally.

To burst the squirting bubble, but a squirting orgasm isn't the world's most powerful orgasm across the board because every single woman's orgasm is different. Does making her squirt mean she just came like never before? Maybe. But it could also just be how she climaxes. Also, you don't need a penis to make a woman squirt, you need access to her G-Spot. 

But hey, if a dude is this passionate about getting you off, who am I to stop him? The orgasm police? No, no I am not. 

 

RELATED: OMG: 5 DISGUSTING Things That Happen When You Squirt

 

2. They last for hours.

 

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The penis is not known for its staying power. It's known for inopportune erections, wet dreams, and if you're Tommy Lee, honking the horn of a sizable yacht in between sexually pleasing Pamela Anderson

While how long a man can maintain an erection is no real measure of his masculinity or sexual prowess, most men still get a cocky (pun very much intended) sense of pride just how long their average sex sessions last. In an ideal world, they get to hammer away at their loved one until she begs for mercy. 

Thankfully, this is almost never the case. 

 

3. They make you have multiple orgasms. 

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It is kind of endearing how invested many men are in whether or not they managed to assist you in attaining multiple orgasms, the orgasm of all orgasms. The veritable cronut of orgasms, if you will. 

Are they genuinely concerned about whether or not you found your sexual encounter pleasurable? Absolutely. But do they also look to your orgasm as proof of how great they are at having sex? Oh, very much so, my friends, very much so.

What men don't know is that some women are just naturally multiple orgasmic, and that doesn't always mean "better" orgasms. In fact, many women who have multiple orgasms report them as feeling less intense than those women who are one and done Susies. 

In closing for point three, if I had a band I would call it Susie and The One and Dones. 

 

4. They have multiple orgasms. 

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For a lot of men, getting hard, achieving a prime erection, having sex, and ejaculating, is something that can only do once per sexual encounter. The amount of time it takes between viable erections for sex is called the refractory period. 

If a man can orgasm, get hard and orgasm again it is seen as a mark of true macho manliness. 

This is all well and good, but for the love of god stay hydrated. 

 

RELATED: Yes, MEN Can Experience Multiple Orgasms Too — Here's The Secret!

 

5. They bruise your cervix. 

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This just in, breaking penis-related news: Women do not give a fuuuuuck how big your penis is. We might joke about it with our friends, but if we love you and we aren't total size queens, we will take whatever penis lady luck has seen fit to foist upon us. I'm looking at you, micropenis. 

You know who DOES care about penis size? Men. That's why when they're having sex they really (secretly or not) want to do your vagina harm. They want you to walk away sore, complaining that your cervix has been dinged. They don't want this because they are monsters, they want it because they all secretly crave being in possession of a monster cock. 

In closing, men are weird. 

Expert advice

Save your breath because you only need two words to make him commit.
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