Breaking Up With Your Favorite Bra Is Like Losing A Best Friend

Have you outgrown each other?

By Liza Walter — Written on Mar 22, 2017

Hi, Bra.

How are you? I see you’ve been hanging around lately and I just wanted to see if you were OK?

Oh, I’m glad to hear it. Umm, actually, I think we need to talk.

No, don’t be silly. I don’t think you look stretched out AT ALL.

Pimples on your fabric? No. I don’t see those. I think you’ve aged beautifully, truly.

So, I’ve been thinking … I think it’s time that maybe we went our separate ways.

Please don’t cry! You know long it takes for you to dry and you haven’t been allowed in the dryer for years now.

It’s just that I think we’ve kind of outgrown each other, don’t you agree? I’ve gained some weight and you … I mean, you have maintained yourself so well after all this time.

Of course, it’s not because of your underwire that stabbed me multiple times. I told you I was over that. Why are you bringing up the past?

Listen. I did my very best to fix that part of our relationship and you know what? Sometimes things just can’t be changed. It is what it is. But I can no longer allow myself to be hurt anymore.

No. No. It’s my turn to talk now. I have tried every Pinterest and how-to fixes to repair this relationship and no matter what I do, I still get stabbed in the heart. LITERALLY.

Of course, there’s not another bra in my life. You know I would never cheat on you.

I just think it’s necessary I take time for myself now. My breasts and I need time to breathe, and think, and run free.

A black eye? Really? Are we getting petty now? OK, well, then, I will tell you that when I wore you in 2015 to the job interview that I didn’t get (I wonder why), you REFUSED to support me. I had side boob coming out of my eyes.

Right, well, I think it’s better if I take you to the clothes bin. I don’t think we can ever come back from here. And I’m sure there’s someone out there that can use your services more than I can at this point in my life.

Ok, stop crying. I can’t throw in a wet bra into a clothing bin.

Just remember the good times, OK? And I will do the same.