"Brunette with black eyes riding a Sybian wearing latex."
We asked piles of men what Old Reliables they masturbate to, but — surprise! — most said they weren’t picky enough to play favorites. Although male masturbation has always been obviously more socially ubiquitous than tales of female solo sex, the men we discussed confirmed the notion that the majority of spank sessions are utilitarian in nature — just using what's available for quick doses of heaven.
After enough digging, however, we managed to find a baker's dozen of fap bank connoisseurs whose tastes have been refined to a specific palate. Here's what men masturbate to and what is at the top of their "me-time" playlists.
1. Amateur or unpolished porn.
"High production values are a real turn-off. I’m also a Dom, so stuff with submissive women is sometimes okay, but there’s been a lot more cheesy garbage out there since the whole '50 Shades' thing got started."
2. Lesbians, plain and simple.
3. Hot girls hitting bongs.
"...especially if she’s wearing tube socks. It used to be that I could only see images of it in High Times'-style magazines that I’d use until the pages stuck together, but now with Tumblr and Instagram, I can get my fix daily."
4. I prefer my own homemade material.
"I get consent from my partners before I film so there’s nothing shady about it. I’ve got some great f*cking moments on camera."
5. Locker room-themed gay scenes.
"...especially if they're tagged as 'straight guys.' I know, okay? I know it's ridiculous! But I was so happy to discover that there's so much of it in porn because that was my fantasy for years."
6. Women rolling around on cars.
"Oh, it’s a cliché for sure, but I saw Tawny Kitaen flipping around on that car (you know the video) when I was in junior high and I got some serious traction from that for years. I’m not ashamed to admit I was glad to find her on YouTube some twenty years later."
7. My college girlfriend.
"We were bad together, but we had so much hate and make-up sex."
8. The women I can never have.
"I always beat it to my 'Unattainable Girl du Jour.' Like, the cute-but-engaged girl at the coffee shop. The hot date my cousin brought to family dinner. My boss’ wife. If you’re hot and there’s no chance I’m going to make a move, you’re guaranteed a spot starring in my fantasies later."
9. The one I love.
"Might seem odd, but usually, I climax when I think about my partner. I'm kind of a sappy guy, which might have something to do with my church roots. But all in all the hottest thing for me is knowing that the other person is satisfied."
10. Olympic volleyball athletes.
"Both beach and indoor... and track & field. I'm a legs guy. The gymnasts are also great but they're too young for me to feel comfortable beating it to. I keep it legal."
11. Memories of one-night stands from the past.
"The golden spank bank deposit for me was a strange night and morning with a woman whom I would classify as an acquaintance. We were the last people at the bar, both on relatively long bouts of celibacy and she ended up jumping me in a cab. We threw ourselves at one another like gladiators eager to meet their oblivion. And if I need something not memory-based, it's generally porn involving women who say mean things."
12. Cartoon and anime women.
"Okay, I really have a thing for girls from old-school cartoons. Not Jessica Rabbit, but like Sailor Moon and the villain from Kim Possible. Poison Ivy from Batman: The Animated Series was my gateway drug until I discovered Aeon Flux back in the day. I still have some episodes of both on VHS I keep around for covert sentimental reasons."
13. Any kind of porn that doesn't contain a male cum shot.
"When it comes to porn, I like getting really specific in my searches to make finding the vid harder so it's more rewarding. Stuff like 'Brunette with black eyes riding a Sybian wearing latex.' The less vanilla, the better. I like seeing limits pushed. I have always been really big into anything that features a female orgasm. The 'male cum shot' was never as visually appealing to me as its female counterpart."