Hint: It has zero to do with their technique in the sack.
I’m starting to realize it is the rare man who is actually a “gentleman.” I want to believe that there are men out there who can appreciate a strong woman who knows what she wants AND who likes to be treated with respect and kindness.
By "respect and kindness," I don’t mean treating her with kid-gloves or holding back a curse word or two. When I talk about how to be a gentleman, I mean a man who is genuine, kind, has manners and truly feels it's an honor to spend time with his date ... and shows it. Just like I hope he feels I treat him as well.
With the last couple of men I have gone out with it was painfully obvious that they just wanted to hop into bed, and I am not opposed to that — IF the chemistry is right. But to sit across from someone who is trying every trick in the book to get you into the sack and then pouts when you politely redirect the conversation is disappointing, tiring, boring and, frankly, disrespectful.
Sometimes when I'm explaining my philosophies about sex and what I do for a living, I see a glazed look appear on his face just before the conversation becomes less him finding out about me and more him asking me questions to guide me towards his goal of having sex that night.
Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels this way.
In an article on TheFrisky, writer Jessica Wakeman shared her own view of what it means to be a gentleman:
"If I had to define it myself, this is what I’d say: A real gentleman is rare and is someone who treats everyone well — not just the chick he’s interested in. A gentleman is polite to everyone, thoughtful to everyone, considerate to everyone. Yes, a gentleman can be chivalrous, but that’s not the only qualification. Gentlemen are chivalrous, but not all chivalrous guys are gentlemen. Most of all, if a guy boasts about what a gentleman he is, he probably isn’t one.“
It’s clear that the definition of what makes a man "a gentleman" is very much up for debate.
However, I don’t think it’s too much to ask if we expect basic courtesies like table manners, and, certainly, if he’s not polite to the valet or the waiter that is a HUGE red flag.
I'm looking for the men who take pleasure in the art of seduction.
The men who agree it takes at least a week to seduce a woman ... and even longer to woo her.
The men who realize that a well-wooed woman is a thousand times more apt to provide reciprocal attention than a woman whom he cajoled into bed?
Men, let us in. We’re thirsty for it.
We will, in turn, shower you with affection, passion and appreciation.
Show us you are attracted to the whole woman by striving to make us feel valued, and not just for the p*ssy and tits.
Take your time and you will win our hearts as well as our lustfulness. We want you as much as you want us. We want a life filled with passionate sex and intimacy — and that also has plenty of room for recreational f*cking. We need to feel that we are wholly yearned for.
Earn her desire. Isn’t that the fun part for both of you anyway? Isn’t it that tension-filled dance that's so satisfying and passion-building?
Humans are sexual beings bursting with our own unique sensuality and we want to express it with you. Because of this, your restraint and (hopefully) authentic interest in us as individuals is noticed and appreciated, even if we both recognize there's no long-term relationship potential.
A man's respect for our womanhood AND our personhood is something we truly value.
There is no set amount of time this process takes, as all women and all people are different, but I guarantee that with the proper treatment from the outset, the hot sex with your new paramour will be far more satisfying for both of you — whether you f*ck, make-love or have sex — especially if the conduct and seduction are carried out thoughtfully, generously, authentically and with pleasure.
A singular voice in the sexual health community and a body acceptance thought-leader, Elle Chase is a sought after sex education/sexuality expert for such outlets as TODAY SHOW on NBC, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, The Huffington Post, Men’s Health and Buzzfeed. Chase is also the creator of the award-winning feminist sensual images blog LadyCheeky (warning: NSFW). Her much anticipated first book, “Curvy Girl Sex: 101 Body-Positive Positions to Empower Your Sex Life,” is available now.
This article was originally published at Smut for Smarties. Reprinted with permission from the author.