Straight men are the worst "sex experts."
Over the years, I’ve ghostwritten articles for psychologists, health practitioners, sign makers, wearable tech companies, and more. And borne of a great sense of irony, I’ve taken on the role of a sex expert for men. Straight men, that is.
I myself am gay — not bisexual or sexually fluid. I will never sleep with a woman; I’ve never even kissed one. But I have written guides to giving great cunnilingus, the best heterosexual sex positions, and how to know what women want from men.
Tens of thousands of straight men read these articles and successfully use my advice. Despite my sexuality, I’m not conning men by letting them think I’m an expert. I’m actually the perfect person to give sex advice to straight men.
I've given great sex advice from a gay man and the following 5 reasons will show you why I'm the best at it.
1. I have no prior experience (and neither do they).
If you're writing about how to get the most out of technology or yoga or dance classes, you need experience to guide you. When you're a man writing about how to be good at sex, the opposite is true. Why? Well, straight men have absolutely no experience in knowing what sex feels like from a female perspective.
As Louis C.K. puts it, “For a man, 100 percent of the time he’s f*cking a woman, it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened in his entire life.” It’s easy for them to assume that the woman had the same experience. But while men nearly always orgasm, the reality is more complicated for women.
So, many of the guys writing about their own sexual techniques entirely miss the point of being “good in bed.” They focus only on what they believe makes them a stud. As a gay man, on the other hand, I have to do actual research. I don’t make assumptions just because I had a great time and she seemed to moan a lot.
2. I have no ego to consider.
Everyone has an ego. But no subgroup of humanity embodies egotism as much as the heterosexual male “sexpert.” It is, therefore, unsurprising that male writers talk up their own sexual prowess.
For their mental wellbeing, they must ignore the possibility that maybe, just maybe, they sometimes miss the mark. Which is why articles on men’s sex sites give ridiculously bad advice. They figured out a “new” cunnilingus technique that has to be the best way. A pickup line worked for them? It will work for everyone.
If you’ve ever come across one of these sites, you'll know what I mean. There are exclamation points all over, ALL CAPS sentences, sections written entirely in bold. All signs that the writer considers himself the ultimate authority.
But I have no ego to consider. If I’m wrong about something, it’s not going to damage my fragile self-esteem.
3. I always ask women.
As long as I’ve been writing sex advice, I’ve been a regular visitor to YourTango, Cosmopolitan, and other websites aimed primarily or entirely at women. Websites with content written by women.
Instead of looking to other men’s sites, I get a female perspective. I do online research, as well as asking female friends about their experiences. Because men have no idea what women want, but women do.
My lesbian friends are the best source, by the way. They know what feels good, as well as how to make it happen. Most straight male writers, however, sound like they've never spoken to a woman in their lives.
4. I’m attuned to the consequences of bad advice.
You understand the importance of consent. You would never just assume a sexual partner wants what you want. Unfortunately, the ego of the male sex expert can make him blind to this.
Men’s websites have articles on why women enjoy being dominated, are dying to try anal, or simply love being face-f*cked. All of which are accurate...for some.
What they fail to mention is that you've got to ask first. Some women hate being dominated. Not all women are comfortable with anal. The “facts” that many advice columnists share can bring men perilously close to sexual assault and rape.
I always make it clear as day that the most important step is to ask a woman what she wants. I urge the reader to never accept any trace of ambiguity. This has the added bonus of taking the pressure off the guy, who would otherwise try to meet the standards.
5. I’m not scared of putting things in my butt.
Heterosexual men can be insecure about their identities. One of the easiest ways to injure them is to suggest they might have gay tendencies. For this ridiculous reason, most straight men don’t know about the wonders of the prostate orgasm.
In case you’re unaware, stimulating a man’s prostate through fingering or anal sex gives a much longer, more intense orgasm than the penile type. I’ve learned that straight men are up for this if you present it in the right way. If you speak with the authority of high testosterone, you can convince the most macho man to ask a girl to finger him or to try out a sex toy.
The underlying message in all of this is actually that sex advice is often unnecessary.
Most of the above points share one fundamental message: if both partners communicate their desires, they can guide each other better than any writer can. Instead of chomping at the bit, it would do men a load of good to slow down and talk just a little bit more.