Photo: weheartit
"She started her period right in my mouth!"
By Elizabeth Z Pardue — Written on Mar 23, 2017
Everyone loves a crazy romp in the bedroom, but those nights where everything goes wrong are always the most fun to retell later. We asked guys to tell us about their weirdest, messiest, or just plain wrong sexual encounters and are sharing the best of the worst for your entertainment.
1. She wouldn't stop farting and then sh*t everywhere.
"I went home with a girl I met at a club, and we were going at it, having a great time, but every now and then, she let out a little fart. Now, I didn’t think much about it because we were also using a heated lube and, you know, bodies make noise when well-lubricated. However, I missed a subtle clue that she’d dropped earlier in the night when she told me how gross the girl’s bathroom was at the bar and she was just going to 'hold it.'
With that info, I’m sure you’re two steps ahead of where I was at that point in time. When she finally came, she also let out what I thought was just a super-loud fart. However, it quickly became apparent from her face and the smell that she had SH*T THE BED. I got up and sloooowly, politely left."
2. She didn’t move. No noises. No rubbing my arms. Nothing.
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"We were both completely sober, and she had been kissing me and stroking my hair and getting me in the mood all the way to the bedroom. And then, the minute she got on her back, she just sort of laid there staring at me and breathing heavy. I kept trying to talk to her. I tried gentle, romantic stuff after dirty stuff didn’t work — anything to connect.
I thought, 'Oh no. Is this what it’s like to f*ck one of those Living Dolls?' and immediately lost my erection. Then I sort of just left because she started with the 'Oh, it’s not your fault! It happens all the time! It’s totally normal' stuff and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by saying, 'Yeah, dude. It definitely isn't my fault, but it also definitely doesn't happen all the time.'"
3. I got spooked and jumped out the bathroom window.
"I was visiting some friends from college in a town I wasn’t familiar with and got very, very drunk at a bar we visited. At some point in time, I picked up some company for the night. As the bar closed, she asked if I wanted to come back to her place to 'watch Netflix,' which was a line I fell for eagerly. We got to her place and she asked me to take off my shoes, and after a bit of PG-13 action, she started to lead me back to her room.
I staggered back to the bathroom to relieve myself of some of the mass amounts of beer I’d ingested, and as I was standing at the toilet, I noticed a bottle of medicine with a name that seemed familiar. After about five minutes, I realized how I knew the word 'Valtrex' and, without thinking, I drunkenly climbed out of the window and began running away in terror.
I called a friend to come find me, which was no easy task as this was in the days before cell phones had GPS. Anyway, when he finally picked me up, he asked me why I wasn’t wearing any shoes and I explained that I 'just had to leave them there, man.' After he finished laughing at my stupidity, he asked if I’d checked the name on the bottle to make sure the herpes medications weren’t just her roommates'... which I did not. Guess I’ll never know. I can’t imagine how confused she was when she finally got into that locked bathroom, though."
4. I ejaculated into my eye.
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"I pulled out, and while her face was only six inches from mine, I looked down and caught the squirt right in the eye, which burned like hell. She laughed. As you would imagine."
5. She broke my nose while I was performing oral sex.
"While going down on her, I decided to keep her in suspense by bringing her to the edge and then stopping, which I would soon pay for. When she finally climaxed, she bucked so hard that she broke my nose with her pelvis. My nose began to gush blood, but my arms were pinned under her thighs, so I couldn’t grab my nose and I bled all over her. I drenched her abdomen and chest with blood as I struggled to get my arms out, push myself up, and get to the restroom.
She was a bit on the loud side, and then I made my own noises when my nose broke, so my friends who lived next door heard us having what I assume sounded like a sexy murder and thought they should make sure I was okay. When they banged on the apartment door, they were greeted by the girl who was wearing one of my wife beaters thrown on with blood soaking through it and all down her legs.
All I heard was my neighbor shriek 'Holy f*ck!' as he pushed past her to see if I was dead on the floor. Instead, he saw me naked in the bathroom dripping blood all over the sink like the Terminator.
6. I took off her underwear and was overwhelmed with a weird odor.
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"I was going to go down on her, but the smell was so bad, I was desperately trying to figure a way out of it, so I slid one finger in while I stalled to think of how to handle the situation. My finger hit something inside of her, so I jerked it out and blurted, 'Uhhhhh, there’s something in there...?' It was not my most eloquent moment.
Anyway, she laid there for a minute, feeling around on herself while I pondered the etiquette of leaving to sanitize my hand when she gasped, 'OH NO!!! It’s a tampon I put in there two weeks ago!!!' She was mortified and refused to come out of her bathroom, so I left, but to this day I don’t know how she managed to walk around without noticing that godawful smell for two weeks."
7. She took her teeth out to give me a blowjob.
"This girl I met at a college bar went to give me a BJ and when she got down there, she popped her eight front teeth out (four on the bottom, four on top) and put them on the bed next to me. And to answer your next question, I was too baffled to assess the popular belief that this feels good. I was immediately pushing rope."
8. She started her period while I was going down on her.
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"We got down to the good stuff and the sex was amazing. At one point she had climbed up my body and was straddling my face. Now, I love this and was lapping at her with gusto and thought I was doing quite well as she was drenched. All of a sudden, the amount of saturation tripled, filling my mouth, and tasted of pennies. I was practically choking.
She had started her period right in my f*cking mouth! In my alarm to get some oxygen and sort out the issue, I blew a panicked breath out my nose. I exhaled blood like a whale breaching and her previously 'way-too-hot-for-me' flat belly suddenly resembled a Pollock painting. She apologized profusely and I went and cleaned up. In all honesty, the sex continued into a 10-hour marathon that ruined a hotel room, but is still one of my favorite sexual experiences."
