It does take some planning, but you CAN do it!
By Kaleb Cove
Joining the mile-high club is one of those very sexy and extremely risqué playdates that can pay off in spades and really give you one hell of a status update to tweet out. And if you’re that good, you’ve thought ahead and booked those golden tickets aboard a flight with the on-board Wi-Fi.
Now, as rewarding as any kind of risky sex can be (assuming that's what you're into), as far as public sex goes, there’s always equal opportunity for the whole experience to unravel and fail miserably.
Plane sex needs to be well orchestrated and requires forethought and planning.
Use these top three tips to get your mile-high club exploits off the ground.
1. Think ahead and choose the right flight.
If you were thinking of squeezing in a quickie on your next low-cost charter flight, think again. Sex on board a shitty little short-haul is never going to happen for the following reasons:
- You need time to pull this off. Time is not on your side. If you’re pushing for that window of opportunity during a flight time of any less than a couple of hours at a minimum (unless you’re a seasoned MHC junkie), you’re setting yourself up for failure.
- People are annoying on short flights. As a general rule, your fellow passengers going to be trying to cash in on as much of their entitled “moving around the cabin” time as possible. It will almost certainly include at least several trips to the toilet. There will be a line-up for the restroom; you don’t need frustrated knocks on the door during your sexy fun time.
- After all the people in front of you use the restroom, it may not be the sexiest place to hang out, if you get my drift.
If you want a mile-high club sex experience, catch an ultra-long-haul flight instead. They tend to have more lavatories than you'll know what to do with. This way you’re not going to be bothered by those pesky fellow passengers and the empty stalls will be yours for the picking.
The back most stall on the 747-400 is huge and largely empty on a night flight. It’s worth thinking about.
2. Don't get busted by the cabin crew.
The longer the flight, the more efficient the cabin crew will be at getting their jobs done and getting out of the way so that they too can “sit back and enjoy the flight.”
That would explain why the dinner service always seems to happen during the first hour of a 14-hour flight. Combine that meal with copious booze and an almost immediately overheated cabin and that should be enough to put nearly every one of your fellow passengers straight to sleep.
Sleeping passengers mean most of your — and your flight attendants' — problems are gone.
Now, if you play your cards right, all of this is a good thing for the particular kind of endeavor you’re setting out on. The less the cabin crew (and those passengers) are bothered by your very existence, the easier it will be to get away. As a general observation, the flighties like to crowd around at both the pointy as well as the ass end of the plane. This leaves you several bathroom options in between the cabins to choose from.
Take turns entering your new play area. Avoid crowding into the bathroom together, as well as leaving your seats at the same time. Play it smart by attracting the least amount of attention possible.
After scouring the available area, decide which particular door you’re going to be hiding behind and agree on a number of times you’re going to knock before your partner opens the door just enough for you to slide in. The same goes for when you exit afterward. Don’t both run out at the same time with your fists pumping enthusiastically in a moment of post-orgasm bliss.
And, most importantly, be as nice as pie — or, better yet, invisible — to that seemingly friendly cabin crew. Don’t mistake their warmth for a desire to serve you up some special treatment. Behind that friendly mask lies an even greater desire to bust the likes of passengers like you for the very thing that you’re setting out to do. If they don’t recognize that you exist, there is less of a chance that they will come looking for you.
3. Have smart sex.
Now that you've finally managed to successfully cram you and your playmate of choice into the airplane bathroom, it's time to have smart sex.
- You’ve worked too hard to ruin it now by drawing undue attention to yourself. Don’t make unnecessary noise and risk getting caught in the act.
- Wear easily removable and replaceable clothing. Easy on, easy off. Simple.
- You’re basically in a public toilet which, in essence, can be kind of gross. Plus, the hygiene in airplane bathrooms can be particularly bad (less so at the pointy end, but even so). Keep that in mind and prepare the space you’re in or avoid a bad stall completely.
- Leave any belongings in your carry-on, safely tucked away into the overhead compartment. This will help you avoid leaving them in the restroom.
- Consider the amount of time you can afford to spend without catching anyone’s attention. Night flights mean more time and less quickie-ing. Win/win.
- Don’t be afraid to abort and reconvene at a later time. If there’s any risk of getting busted, call it off.
Most importantly, you’re in a cramped space with limited room to move.
Don’t get too ambitious and be sure to think of the location friendly positions that will work best in the space you’ve got to work with.
We hope you enjoy your flight — and your membership to the mile-high club.
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This article was originally published at Kinkly. Reprinted with permission from the author.