Guys, you should be so embarrassed.
Wanna hear something depressing? Straight women aren't having partnered orgasms NEARLY as much as anyone else.
Thankfully, science has GOT this — and as a result, men have ZERO EXCUSE not to make their ladies orgasm hard.
Before I get into the how and why of it, let's just pause and say that it is straight up ridiculous that it's 2017 and we can grow ears in petri dishes but we still aren't having honest conversations about the fact that men don't understand women's bodies.
It's ridiculous! It's lazy! It's sexist! And science, well, science has had enough.
A team of researchers has uncovered the secret to guaranteed female orgasms.
Hold on to your uteruses ladies, things are about to get steamy up in this piece.
According to a new study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior:
"A study from a team of US researchers suggests that a combination of genital stimulation, deep kissing, and oral sex is the 'golden trio' for women when it comes to increasing their likelihood of reaching orgasm with a sexual partner."
I have so many questions, but let's start with the most obvious one: Were there no women scientists working on this study? I feel like there weren't because if there had been at least one would have been obligated to be like "oh my god you guys, duh, why is this even something we are researching, is no one else depressed by this?
Oh, wait, probably not because you guys have been way too busy having hogging all the orgasms.
The fact that this sort of research is being done should actually make me happy. Like, hooray! We are finally addressing the fact that for centuries women's orgasms have been unappreciated, altogether denied, or seen as proof of their ties to Satan.
But also, it's 2017. We have invented sunglasses to play in virtual reality and we all carry powerful computers in our pockets at nearly all times. Are we REALLY still trying to plumb the mystery of why oh why it's "so hard" for women to have an orgasm?
It's not a breaking scientific study, it's men being LAZY in bed.
Here's a newsflash: It isn't harder to make a woman orgasm than it is a man. It just requires a different technique than the male orgasm.
Would you throw away a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream because you couldn't use a pie server to dole out the sweet stuff?
No. You would use a different tool.
This is something that lesbians have totally figured out. It ain't hard for lesbians to make each other orgasm, that shit is simply the provenance of straight women.
Other findings in the study:
"While 95% of heterosexual men reported that they usually or always have orgasms during sexually intimate moments, just 65% of heterosexual women did. By contrast, the figure was 89% for gay men, 86% for lesbian women, 88% for bisexual men and 66% for bisexual women.
Only 35% of heterosexual women always or usually orgasm during vaginal sex alone, with 44% saying they rarely or never did. By contrast, 80% of heterosexual women and 91% of lesbians always or usually orgasm with a combination of genital stimulation, deep kissing, and oral sex — but without vaginal sex."
Did you pick up on what science is throwing down? Lesbian women score much higher on every possible orgasm test than straight women. This isn't because they are magical sex goddesses (though I am sure some of them are) it's because as women they understand that it takes more than a penis going into a vagina to make orgasm possible.