Is this reality?
It’s no surprise that when it comes to press conferences with President Donald Trump, you’re about to be in way over your head and more confused than you’ve ever been in your life.
By five minutes in, you’re likely going to be questioning your reality and wondering if maybe you’re caught in a bizarre episode of The Twilight Zone.
Half the time you’re probably wondering “What does he mean when he says words?” and the rest of the time you’re just trying—and failing—to keep track of how many times he discredits the press, calls someone a liar, or over inflates any number regarding his presidency or spectator turnout to bigly proportions.
But if you’re one of the many, many people who may or may not feel your brains slowly starting to pour out of your ears while listening to the Donald’s unusually cadenced speech, then there are probably a stream of thoughts firing through the old noggin as your mind desperately tries to cling to sanity and tough it out for the duration of the program.
Donald Trump’s latest press conference was just supposed to be about his new nomination for the secretary of labor position—since Anthony Puzder, CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr, a notorious abuser of employees and adamant opponent to raising the minimum wage—recently had to drop out of the race due to overwhelming negative response, petitions, and marches. But what we got was so… so much more than that.
It was tremendous, really.
If you can’t wrap your head around all of the enormous mistakes that Trump made in his speech today, then you are not alone. We can all mop our brains off the floor together.
Here are 15 thoughts that might pass through your head when listening to Donald Trump speak. Terrible!:
1. “The New York Times is a failing paper? Since when? Maybe I should get a subscription.”
Trump continues to call the New York Times a “failing” paper, but with all of this free PR, they’re practically guaranteed to run until 3017 and give every reporter a hefty raise since everyone will go and subscribe to them now that he won’t shut up about it. Free PR for a paper you hate? SAD. FYI: The NYT is doing just fine.
2. “WTF is he even talking about?!”
WEAK. Did Donald Trump really just admit that everything we heard about the phone calls to other countries’ presidents—and the giant flummoxes that went with them—are true? Did he then turn around and say that the news was lying right after? Am I getting flashbacks to Watergate and Nixon? Why can’t I feel the left side of my body anymore—did I really just stroke out trying to make sense of his contradictions?
3. “I just had to push the ‘angry’ button on this video link 100 times.”
How can I let them know that I hated everything about this? Through furious clicking. If we all use so many clicks, we can build a wall with all the angry clicks. And we’ll make them pay for it, too, because THE security OF MY BRAIN is at stake!
4. “Why is he STILL talking about Hillary Clinton?!”
How many times is he going to bring up stuff that literally happened a year ago, and won’t let it go after he won? Why is he being such a sore winner that he can’t grab his win by the p*ssy and move on? Terrible!
5. “Is he choking on his own spit? Is it… indigestion?”
Seriously, we’re not going to see a boogie get downed like with Ted Cruz, are we? That would be disgusting. Snot and spit coming out of his nose… out of his… wherever.
6. “What flavor of hot wing sauce is that spray tan?”
Maybe Texas Pete flavor? Frank's Red Hot Wing Sauce? I could have many, many delicious meals with all that seasoning. It would be really great.
7. “How much coke is Trump doing? Maybe I should drink every time he sniffles.”
8. “Drugs are cheaper than candy bars now? I bought a Cadbury crème egg for 74 cents the other day… there are drugs cheaper than that?”
It’s not for me… I’m asking… for a friend. But now I’m sure tomorrow the media will blast me for it. SAD! Dangerous media, always blowing things out of proportion.
9. “I would totally unfriend Trump if we were friends on Facebook.”
He’s one bad hombre. ‘Nuff said.
10. “If we made a drinking game for every time he called the press liars, we’d be dead in five minutes.”
I don’t mean to be a total lightweight, but I don’t think I could play any drinking game that involves drinking when Trump speaks. The medical bills would be YUGE.
11. “'It was a very confidential, classified call.' So… he’s telling us about them?”
Is he really admitting that all the bad behavior he showed the Australian PM and the Mexican president are true? But he’s just mad about the fact that the press found out? Zero chill factor. This guy is out of control.
12. Did he just say… Obama car?”
Does he… does he know how to read that word?
13. "The wall is going to be... a great wall. And it's going to be a wall negotiated by me... And we're going to have a wall that works."
Where have I heard this pattern of speech before… where—OH RIGHT ...
14. “I feel like he’s the best man who gets WAY too drunk at a wedding and just goes on and on about ‘All the chicks we f*cked, man.’ Someone needs to get him off the podium."
He’s literally having the best time up there, interrupting reporters and calling them dishonest to their faces. This is not a classy press conference. Disgusting!
15. “We had a very smooth roll out of the travel ban… But we had a bad court.”
So… the whole “it’s illegal and against the Constitution" part of it was great, but the courts doing their job was where the system failed? This is unacceptable. These judges are out of control. Don’t they know they should just let the president do whatever he wants? BAD JUDGES. I bet he’ll see them in court.
Missed the press conference or just need more time to figure out what he was saying. Here's the full video: