20 Funny Quotes By Comedian Iliza Shlesinger EVERY Woman Will Love

If you haven't already seen or heard of comedian Iliza Shlesinger, do yourself a favor and grab a drink, pop on the couch and turn on her most recent Netflix special, Confirmed Kills.

You are SO welcome.

The 2008 winner of NBC's Last Comic Standing, Shlesinger was a host for a number of shows, including Separation Anxiety, Excused, and her other Netflix special, Freezing Hot. 

Her performances are not only completely hilarious — they are packed to the brim with smart and totally REAL content that any modern woman could relate to.

I just so happened to stumble upon her stand up when my husband fell asleep at 9pm on a Friday night (LAAAAME), and needless to say he woke up to me CRYING and practically DYING with laughter.

And now I hear she's going to be making her own mom-comedy series for ABC? I honestly can't wait. 

So in honor of Iliza Shlesinger's kick-assery and straight talk, I've put 20 of my favorite quotes of hers together so you can enjoy too (with some wine, of course).

*MUAH*

If you're searching for the best quotes and memes to share with the people you love (or just want to feel inspired yourself) ... look no further! From the sweetest love quotes, inspirational sayings, and hilarious friendship truths, we've got you covered.

1You care. Don't lie.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said 'screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches. — Iliza Shlesinger

2AMIRITE?!

I'm tired of feeling like a sexual deviant 'cause I just enjoy a little bit of mouth kissing with my red wine, okay? — Iliza Shlesinger

3Seriously, Pinterest is depressing AF.

We all have a bite of flatbread, leave starving, and go home and log onto Pinterest and just pin pictures of all the food we want to be eating. — Iliza Shlesinger

4I look HOT, okay?!

We don't wear heels for our circulation, we do it to prop up our butts so you'll look at me and wanna mate with me.  — Iliza Shlesinger

5DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR PARTY GOBLIN.

Your party goblin is a small creature that lives in the back of your brain, and she is responsible for all the poor decisions you make when you're drunk. She's the one back there like, 'text your ex-boyfriend that you love him, then turn your phone off.' — Iliza Shlesinger

6AMEN, sister!

I'm an independent woman. I listen to Beyonce. Surfboard. — Iliza Shlesinger

7Or is it the other way around?

The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life you worked so hard for all week. — Iliza Shlesinger

8We do all THIS for a reason, boys. Just trust.

This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint. — Iliza Shlesinger

9And we LOVE it.

To the average girl, hiking is: you wake up whenever you want; you put on Lululemon ‘cause they make your butt look unreasonably good - and they should for 800 fucking dollars - and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. That’s hiking. — Iliza Shlesinger

10Those bathrooms are haunted. That's why.

You can’t go to the bathroom alone… you might not come back. Cause no girl’s ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It’s true.  — Iliza Shlesinger

11So back TF off.

There are two types of men: those who are intimated by a girl like me, and those who are not. You don't have to like me, but you don't have to be a dick about it. And after a lifetime of dealing with this, I'm pretty well-equipped, verbally, to cut anyone down at any time. — Iliza Shlesinger

12Wouldn't we all?

If I could have any job I would be a cat… but that’s not something I’m supposed to talk about in public. — Iliza Shlesinger

13It's not always going to be pretty.

Never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm. That is their time to shine. — Iliza Shlesinger

14It's a baller kind of life, K?

You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room. — Iliza Shlesinger

15Don't worry, Iliza. That shit is what's wrong with us too.

I don’t come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can. — Iliza Shlesinger

16You're welcome.

It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July. — Iliza Shlesinger

17It's a time suck.

I was on Pinterest for five hours today. I planned three baby showers. I don't know any babies. — Iliza Shlesinger

18What IS it?!

It took me ten years of dating to learn that a boner isn't a medical condition. — Iliza Shlesinger

19HELLS YES DISCOUNT CHOCOLATE!

If and when I get married, Imma get married the day after Valentine's day, and my theme is gonna be 75% off chocolate. — Iliza Shlesinger

20Umm... hello?

When you ask a girl out and she suggests a bar, you're answer shouldn't be "great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.”  — Iliza Shlesinger

Kayla Cavanagh is a full-time editor and writer living in Central Florida. When she's not feverishly obsessing over spreadsheets and grammar, she enjoys drinking margaritas by the pool, watching movies with her husband, Matt, and dancing with her kids in the living room.