Well, it's here.
The secret code to figuring out how to attract a boyfriend and ensnare him forever has finally been cracked.
And thank god, am I right?! Wasn't this the world's greatest mystery? How to attract a man of your very own?!
Anyway, according to a new survey, in order to be viewed as desirable, you need to have these three traits:
1. A positive attitude
2. Balanced extroversion
If you happen to embody these three personality traits, you are set.
Penis and vagina will just arrive on your front door (hopefully with people attached) and you won't ever have to worry about being funny or thin again because you are the perfect human being to attract a romantic partner.
So here's the thing.
As much as I hate this stuff, I'd RATHER be told that the three things a person needs to have in order to attract a partner were stuff like:
1. A perfect body
3. A good tan
Because those are things I can achieve.
I mean, they require extensive plastic surgery and a permanent membership to Tan Vegas, the tanning place down the street from my house.
But they are physically possible.
If you, like me, were born without these three personality traits (are there people born with "balanced extroversion"?), what are you supposed to do?
Just accept the fact that some study has deduced you're going to die alone?
It's tempting, but there's another option:
You fake it.
Studies have shown that there is actually science that supports the "fake it until you make it" philosophy.
It works by convincing your brain that one thing is true, by acting like it's true.
Eventually, your brain is going to think it's true. Stupid brain.
So why not fake the three traits needed to get a man (or however they're selling it)?
Let's try it:
1. You can absolutely fake having a positive attitude.
It's not in my nature to be Susie Sunshine, at least not always. If something is going wrong, it's going wrong, and I'll acknowledge it.
So what if the next time my boyfriend is late to the movies and I've already bought the tickets instead of going "shit, I wanted to see this movie!" I said, "well at least we're together," instead?
It's not a lie, I am happy to be with him.
Yeah, I wanted to see the movie in question, but talking about that now doesn't help anything or change anything. So instead, say the positive thing. Believing it will come with time.
2. You can absolutely fake being a balanced extrovert, too.
Trust me. I'm the queen of the introverts. My idea of a wild time is getting a full three back to back days by myself where I don't have to put on pants or talk to another living human.
But being social is a necessary evil.
You want to date? You want to meet people? You have to put on pants and leave your house.
I have found the best way to fake this one is schedule your alone time.
Make sure you have the day or days you need to yourself marked off on your calendar.
The other days you can be a socializing fool knowing that in the not so distant future you have some solo pants-free time coming your way.
3. And it is beyond easy to fake being confident.
Truthfully, I don't think anyone is really confident.
I think we're all born feeling totally insecure and awkward and we think we aren't supposed to be this way so we pretend to have our shit together, to go smiling big into rooms full of people talking about our various accomplishments.
That's how I fake confidence.
I just assume that every other person I meet is as equally insecure as I am and doing their very best to hide it.
It's like imagining a room full of people naked but instead of seeing their bodies you're seeing their naked and shivering insecurities.
Less hot? Yes.
But useful? Very much so.
I think it's really oversimplifying human beings to boil down what makes us attractive to each other to three personality traits, especially when those personality traits don't come naturally to every human being on earth.
If you want to know how to REALLY attract another person, just focus on being your best self and living your best life. Don't worry about transforming who you are into somebody else's idea of the perfect partner.
You AREN'T perfect.
Nobody is, and it's when you find someone who loves you BECAUSE of your all your imperfections that you really win.