With age comes wisdom.
Whenever I think of someone writing about sex I think of some young guy or girl who has mega-experience every day and just goes out, winks at someone and an hour or so later they are having passionate sex.
Or I think people in the movies. They seem to have figured out that whole “sex under the covers” thing pretty well and still the camera shoots them from ten different angles.
I’m 48, but about to turn 49. And then, if I am so gifted, I’ll turn 50.
Sex is different. Maybe it’s better.
I’ve been nerdy and geeky my whole life. When I was turning 18 a friend told me I’d probably never have sex in my life and I better get used to it. I cried.
But, there’s something something for everyone. And it gets better and better. Men age right into their sexual primes and it can last forever.
Here’s some things I figured out. This is particular to me. Not to everyone.
1. You don't have to come every time
When I was younger, I felt like I had to come every time. For one thing, it feels good. For another thing, sometimes a woman is insulted if you don’t come. She might think she didn’t excite you enough.
This is not true. I enjoy every aspect of sex. And when I don’t come, for whatever reason (see below), then no problem.
I’ll be excited for the whole day, and then for the whole day the next day. I’ll be excited all the time. I’ll want the person I am with even more. And I’ll have the energy to have an even more passionate and loving experience.
Knowing that I did not have to come every time changed my life. It reduced a lot of the pressure. It made sex more fun for me. And maybe even for the other person, because I am always ready to go.
It also means I can have sex every day. It doesn’t ever have to stop. This is a good benefit of not having the pressure of coming every time. But this is just the first thing I learned.
2. Infidelity leads to bad sex
Living two lives is living two lies. You have to keep track of both. Maybe this is ok when you are 20 and everything is casual. But the main way I see my friends go broke and insane is when they try to live two lives. It’s hard enough to keep track of one life.
Sex with another person, a stranger, seems fun for the moment. But it can lead to a life of hell.
Which leads to:
3. Both feet in, or both feet out
If you are unsure in a relationship, then either give it your all and put both feet in, or get out of it and put both feet out. Don’t have one foot in and one foot out while you look around.
When you have both feet in, you’ll appreciate things you didn’t let yourself get a chance to appreciate. You’ll give yourself a chance to fall in love, fall in passion, or fall back in love. Then you can decide.
But don’t try to decide two things at once.
4. Testosterone goes down after 30
It’s just a fact, men. And don’t try to reverse it.
If you medically take testosterone then here is what happens: your body starts to think it doesn’t need to produce any more organically. It sees that you’ve “handled the problem” so it gives up. I have one friend who started growing breasts when he started injecting testosterone (or even chemicals that increase testosterone production). His body gave up and he ended up producing more estrogen instead.
There are many sites and books about how to naturally change your diet to slow down or naturally reverse any less production of testosterone. I’ll recommend How to Naturally Produce Testosterone by my friend Tucker Max (author of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell).
Dr. Drew had to tell Tucker that he was probably deficient in testosterone after Tucker had sex on an X-Ray machine. So Tucker went into overdrive researching the problem and wrote a book about it that he never marketed. But it’s a good book.
Change your diet and your lifestyle. You don’t need to take viagra or extra testosterone.
5. You last longer
At 50, I last longer than at 20. At 20, I had to imagine ugly, disgusting things in order to last longer. I had to picture chess positions while having sex. That’s not fun. Or I had to have a lot of sex so as to run out of sperm. That IS fun. But not always possible. And certainly not possible at age 50.
When you last longer, you feel better for a much longer time. And you don’t have to think about other things. You can think about the person you are having sex with and how much you are having.
And it feels better for her as well. I forgot to mention that. Unless I’ve been lied to a lot. Which is possible. But some things you can tell. At 50 (or 48) you get enough experience to tell some things.
6. My accepted age range is bigger
When I was 20, the age range of women I’d even consider having sex with was about 19-24. Not because 25 was too old. But I was always interested in the potential for long-term relationships. And I knew that at 20, it wasn’t likely to work out in the long run with someone 25. Plus I was too young. I didn’t know anything. I was pretty bad at sex. And women at 25 or older seemed to barely tolerate me and then throw me to the ground and never see me again while I cried by my phone.
So that’s basically the real reason. There’s always a good reason (wanted longer-term relationships) and a real reason (they actually didn’t enjoy it with me).
When I was 27 my age range was probably 25 to 32. In fact, I married someone 4 years older than me, we had two children, and then got divorced.
When I was 40, my age range was 35 to 43. Yes, that sounds prejudiced against older women. To be honest, I was really attracted to someone who was 49 then but she was a former beauty queen, did not look her age, and I still didn’t start anything because I didn’t know how it would work long term. Plus, I was afraid I wouldn’t be “good enough”.
At 48 my age range is about 38-58. I’m more concerned about someone too young now.
For one thing: young is boring to me. Not always but often enough. And experience and maturity is not a commodity. It’s really valuable. Because you’re having sex with body and mind and you want it to be worth it. There’s a finite number of times you’re going to have sex in the rest of your life. So you want each one to be good for every part of your soul. Not just the physical part.
7. Don't be the "old fat guy on the boat."
A friend of mine said, “Look at this”. She showed me a bunch of Facebook pages of different friends of hers. All of them were beautiful and young. They were always in bikinis on boats. It was always just women.
“Guess who is taking the picture?”
I don’t know, I said.
“It’s always an old fat guy who owns the boat. The girls hate him. But they want to be on the boat.” One time she did some digging on one of the pictures and showed me. Sure enough, it was an old fat guy.
Whenever I see a 70 year or 80 year old with a woman much younger, I call it “the disease”. Not because I’m disgusted. But because I don’t want to get the disease. I have no moral judgments at all. Everyone is right where they want to be. But I hope I’m not so hard to please that I’m willing to be bored and anxious so much in my life that I need the pleasures of someone 30 years younger than me.
It doesn’t seem like fun that way. I’m all about maximizing fun. I don’t want someone much later saying about my photography skills, “Believe me, whoever is taking this picture is an old fat guy.”
8. Stress kills
When I was stressed as a 20 year old I sometimes couldn’t have sex. Like, if I was nervous about a job. Or nervous how I would perform.
Performance anxiety is a bad source of stress and it can happen at any age. I’ve had periods of impotence due to performance anxiety from ages 18 to 48.
But, the older I get, the more I see how stress really does effect every area of my health and life. It effects how I deal with my friends, my creativity, my physical activities, my diets, my money, my decision making. And definitely my sexual performance.
I spend a lot of time reducing stress. Perhaps the subject of another article. But everyone has different ways of dealing with stress anyway.
One thing for sure: stress will make you a worse lover.
9. How to pleasure a woman
There are entire books and courses on this. I wouldn’t pay for any of that. I don’t know everything. I just know a little. But here’s what I know.
- love the one you’re with. If you are into him or her, sex will be more pleasurable for both.
- focus on her. When you kiss a part of her body, love that part. When you say something, mean it.
- observe. Some women like to be touched HERE. Some like to be touched THERE. Some NEVER like to be touched IN THIS AREA. You learn by observing. Where they shake and move. How they twist their body in your direction or away.
- listen. A person will tell you in one way or the other what they like. With actual sentences, or with moans. Listen carefully and learn to interpret the hieroglyphics of pleasure.
- be willing to try anything. ANYTHING. Except (for me) threesomes or open relationships. That’s good of some people. Note. But everything else is open. Whatever they want. If they want to buy things, buy them. If they want you to be here or there, go here or there. It’s their body and they know what to do. If you love them, be the guy who satisfies that need.
Because of “1”, I’m much more focused on “9”. And every time I forego “1”, I get more and more focused on “9”. They are all connected. In fact, all ten items are connected.
Not every woman will solve every need. Go elsewhere for your other needs. But sexual needs, for me, stay in the relationship. That’s how I think I have the most fun. And I like to be with people who feel the same way.
I used to be afraid to talk about things with women. But now taking is great. You get to learn about each other. Knowledge is power.
One more thing: Sex triggers oxytocin, a pleasurable neurochemical, differently for men and women.
For women, it’s triggered when they are are having sex. Oxytocin in the “trust neurochemical”. It encourages women to have sex with men they can trust with the full commitment of a kid in the wild. Men trigger other neurochemicals and only trigger oxytocin when they are in love with who they are having sex with. Because male DNA wants to have sex with everyone.
But it’s much better when you are in love. So you have everything triggering.
In any case, in less than two years I’ll be 50. My sex life is the best it’s ever been. If this is too much information, I’m sorry. I’m not going to stop.
This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.