Surprisingly, the answer isn’t “all of it.”
Do men enjoy dirty talk?
Sure we do.
There’s just something about hearing a woman explicitly describe her sexual wants or needs that can make the male brain go crazy. We’ve always heard that men are more visual creatures — that men are turned on by physicality more than anything else — but dirty talk is a sort-of gateway drug that links together words and images in our heads.
We hear the descriptive words coming out of our partner’s mouths and it alters how we view reality. We start seeing ourselves as the hulking sex god that our girlfriend is describing or we begin seeing our wives as the slinky dominant mistress who’s not afraid to give us her commands.
In an article for Medical Daily, Dr. Ava Cadell noted that couples resort to dirty talk to “heighten their arousal and share fantasies that they may not want to turn into reality, but talking about them can be even better.”
And I couldn’t agree more. Dirty talk does bridge that gap between sexual reality and sexual fantasy in really fun, sexy, and safe ways. When done right, it’s amazing.
Why not? Because some dirty talk just doesn’t feel right to men. I’m not saying that men have moral objections to what’s being said — our sexual boundaries get thrown WIDE open when a woman starts talking dirty — but some forms of dirty talk are more effective than others.
Do you want to know the kind of dirty talk that men REALLY enjoy?
It will sound weird at first, but trust me on this one.
When it comes to talking dirty, what men REALLY want is… HONESTY.
I know, right? That sounds like some self-help BS, doesn’t it? Let me explain…
I am NOT saying that men want you to start yelling out, “Oh my god, your back is so hairy!” or “I legitimately can’t tell if you’re inside me or not, baby!”
We’re not looking for harsh, soul-shattering truths here. But men can inherently tell if your sex talk sounds like it’s coming from a false place. We don’t want to hear you reading from a script. We don’t want women to just quote back lines they heard in a porno. The dirty talk HAS to be rooted in some legitimate want/need/desire on the woman’s part.
For example, don’t tell us that you’re “SO wet” if you’re not. (We can tell.) Don’t tell us if we’re the “biggest ever” if we both know that we’re not talking about a record-breaking penis here.
Don’t try to be dominant, if you’re not naturally dominant. Don’t act submissive and call us “Daddy,” if you’re not into playing a submissive role in the bedroom.
(Also, the “Daddy” talk is real hit-or-miss for men. Some of us find it a bit creepy.)
This might surprise you, but more than anything, we want your dirty monologues to be grounded in some form of reality.
And there are many ways that can happen.
You can describe what’s going on.
Give us some naughty play-by-play, tell us what’s happening to your body right now. (Are you almost there? Are you wet?)
You can tell us what you want.
Do you want it harder? Should we move an inch to the left? Do you want us to take control and dominate? Or do you want to bark orders at us and tell us what to do?
You can follow your impulses.
If you feel like begging for it, beg. If you want to ask us sexy questions — “Do you like that?” — ask away. We’ll be into it.
What we don’t want is for you to start playing some dirty talk character.
Don’t get suddenly foul-mouthed if we know that’s not what you’re really like. Don’t use hyperbole and keep calling everything the “biggest… hardest… wettest… EVER” because it pulls us out of the moment. It makes our dumb lizard brains think “Really?” and then we become aware “Ah, no, it isn’t, she’s trying to turn me on.” And that moment of realization isn’t particularly sexy.
If we wanted to experience artificially heightened sexual experiences, we’d just watch porn. At least, we know that’s supposed to be fake.
When it comes to dirty talk, men are 100% fine with you being as a graphic as you want to be, IF it’s coming from an honest place.
Just keep that in mind the next time you decide to talk dirty in the bedroom. Men love it. (We LOVE it.) But we’ve got to believe it too.