Plus how to get the romance back.
By Karen Brody
There are three big reasons married men don’t get laid, so if you’re a married man you’ll want to know what these are and avoid them at all costs.
These three mistakes are so important to a man’s sexual success, I wrote a little e-book about them, called “Reignite Her Passion,” (that you’ll definitely want to read). In that eye-opening book you’ll discover how to quickly overcome these huge mistakes if they are in fact plaguing your sex life.
What I’ll do here is highlight these sexy killers and then I encourage you to get the book (it’s a free download) to discover how exactly to turn them around.
The first mistake is monumental. It’s about believing that you don’t have a sexual choice.
In other words, if and when you make love is entirely up to her. You don’t get to decide anything and you certainly don’t get to say “no.”
Believing you don’t have a choice kills your sexual confidence and her desire for you. You have good reasons to believe this myth about choice, but doing so diminishes your beautiful sexual radiance as a man.
You do have a choice and the sooner you know this the better. Your choice is in how you respond to her choice. If you respond by getting angry, withdrawing or pouting, you’re guaranteed less sex. But if you respond as a dignified, mature sexual man – with love and curiosity you’ll get a lot more sex.
The key is to start to know: I have a choice. I will respond to her “yes” or her “no” with love and interest. I will look for ways to open her that are caring and inventive. I’m well aware that this isn’t an easy endeavor. If it were, every married man would be sexually satisfied. But we need to start somewhere, so awareness of the problem is a first powerful step. Learning how to positively seduce a woman is your next challenge.
There is more on this in Reignite Her Passion, concerning how to to navigate a woman’s desire, which will make a very big difference in how you approach lovemaking.
The second mistake is bargaining for sex.
Do you find yourself jumping through hoops like some kind of performer, compromising, even lying in the hopes of getting sex? Do you deny your own wants and needs in order to make her happy?
If you do, you’re not alone! Bargaining is one of the most insidious mistakes men make. Your wife will definitely know if this is what you’re up to and it will make her deny you closeness and sexual satisfaction. Why? It feels dishonest and manipulative to her. It feels like you’re trying to sell her something. Think car salesman and what your reaction would be.
What you need to do is stop, now. Insist on sexual integrity by never making deals for sex. Insist on being honest with yourself about what you say “yes” to. Learn to say “no,” when needed. Decide you will commit to this each day in order to take back your dignity.
The third mistake is engaging in non-consensual sex.
This means taking sex where she is not really involved, where her heart is not in it. You know when this is happening but sometimes you pretend you don’t.
This behavior can be very damaging for your marriage. When you take handouts or “scraps” she tells herself you’re all about the sex and that you don’t really love her. She also learns to tolerate sex and you as her lover. Obviously this does not position you as an attractive lover and needs to be eradicated.
What you do want to do instead is to learn to seduce her in ways that feel good to her and to you. You want to learn how to read her and how to connect with her in ways that make this kind of one-sided, disconnected sex impossible between you. If she’s feeling close to you and you to her, this kind of compromise can’t transpire.
I go into a lot more detail in Reignite Her Passion on how to do this. And if you would like even more information on the dance of seduction, do get a copy of my book, Open Her, where I share a lot more on how to seduce a woman and how to be a sexually dignified man she can’t resist.
Simply stopping these three behaviors and becoming aware of your choices will change you as a sexual man.
You deserve to feel equally important in your sex life and to feel powerful to create the outcomes you most desire. That begins with recognizing how and when you give your dignity away, and how to reclaim it.
It’s key to create a balance of power in love with a woman — that has her feeling respect and desire for you — because you embody it and it’s who you are.
This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.