I have wasted decades of my life thinking about how to get a boyfriend.
It's pretty ridiculous.
Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong wanting love in your life.
We're human beings, that's how we're made.
But I think if probed, many of us would admit that we have spent WAY too much time thinking about how to get a boyfriend when we could have been thinking about stuff that was SO much more important.
Sometimes I think that if I dedicated the amount of time I spend thinking about men to something like science, I would have cured both the common cold and AIDS by now.
The world may never know.
So, the next time you find yourself pondering how to get a boyfriend, take a step back and try redirecting that brain power to something WAY more important.
Don't know where to start?
I've got 9 things to think about that are more important than thinking about how to attract a boyfriend right here!
1. The robotic uprising.
The robots are coming. We're closer to real conscious machines every day.
If you've seen the Matrix, you know to be afraid.
2. Why cats don't care.
Did you know that cats understand when you call them just like dogs?
The thing is, cats just don't care.
Why don't they? You bring them food, you pet them.
Do they even like you?
3. What is the point of your philtrum?
You know that weird soup space type space between your nose and your lip?
Yeah, that's called your philtrum.
Why is there? What is it for? Is yours normal looking?
Why is the internet so obsessed with Benedict Cumberbatch's philtrum?
4. Is there life after death?
God, Allah, Buddha, whatever.
The real question is, do we just stop when we die?
Man, now I've bummed myself out.
5. Why doesn't the human body digest corn?
Is there anything more alarming than pooping after you've eaten corn on the cob?
You look down at the toilet and it's like you just spat the kernels directly into the toilet.
Our stomach can digest actual animals, and corn somehow makes it through totally intact?
6. Is it acceptable to eat pizza for all three meals?
I mean, if you do it right, you cover all the food groups.
You don't need to eat to excess either, just a slice or two per meal.
The more I write about this, the less wrong it feels.
7. Why isn't Pluto a planet anymore?
I know Pluto doesn't care, but it just seems mean.
It was already so small and so far away.
Now we have to make it feel even shittier about its existence by stripping it of its planetary title?
8. What's Justin Bieber doing right now?
Posting passive aggressive tweets?
Purchasing an exotic animal he will later abandon?
Taking another dick pic?
The world needs to know.
I mean, not really.
9. Which is scarier, zombies or vampires?
You can't reason with a zombie and it only wants you dead.
But by the same token, most vampires also want you dead.
Though there is the promise of eternal life.