Beware of frostbite on your tender bits.
The internet is good for approximately two things, and two things alone.
1.) New and exciting sex positions.
2.) Delicious food photographs.
So imagine my delight when I stumbled across this story about a mythical new sex position sweeping the nation, maybe even the world.
What's it called?
Why, it's the Ice Cream Cone Stand Sex Position.
(I capitalized it to emphasize just how important and game changing this sex position is.)
Here's how it works.
Step one: Either buy or prepare an ice cream cone.
Presumably, if you are a non-dairy person you can go ahead and sub in some delicious manner of fruit-based sorbet.
Step two: Shove said ice cream up the anus or the delightful vagina of your sexual partner. While he or she is doing a handstand.
"Shove" should probably mean, in this case, carefully inserting the ice cream cone into the hole of your choice.
This could take a while since holes are smaller than ice cream cones, ice cream cones are very cold and also have this annoying tendency to melt.
If you're into BDSM it might be helpful to restrain your partner for this entire process.
Step three: eat the ENTIRE ice cream cone.
I mean, when you think about it, it was really only a matter of time until there were butthole and vagina flavored ice creams anyway, right?
I blame Harry Potter.
If you aren't keen on working food into your sex life, this definitely isn't the sex position for you.
But that doesn't mean you should be left out of the fun.
If you'd rather leave your ice cream where God intended (either in your freezer or in your stomach) why not scream "I'm an ice cream cone, I'm an ice cream!" in the midst of your next session of love making?
I don't know if that will make your sex better, but I do know it will give your neighbors something to talk about and isn't that why we all have sex in the first place?
I know I certainly do.
If all of this sounds insane to you, rest assured you are not alone. I'm right there with you.
I hope that this dispatch has not ruined ice cream for you.
If it has, there's always gelato.