All I kept thinking about was the amount of money we had already spent on the wedding.
“I think I’m having serious doubts about marrying this guy,” I said to my best friend/maid of honor via the phone one night.
She paused. She didn't know what to say.
In the past, she actually said, "He’s not the guy for you." But to this day, I never told my then-fiancé that because I knew that would ruin his friendship with her. I knew he would never forgive her for something like that.
She asked me why and I began to tell her about his flaws and how much they annoy me.
“I wish he was closer with my family, that he talked more about his emotions, feelings and that he was less judgmental at times,” I explained to her.
But everything was done. Everything was set up. When I say everything, I mean the caterer, DJ, venue, and photographer were all booked and paid. Therefore, I would have lost about $12,000 to back out of the wedding.
She told me if I was having wedding doubts, it shouldn’t matter about that stuff but all I kept thinking about was the amount of money we had already spent and how he would feel.
Last year before we were engaged, I had the same doubts about him but we were living in another state at the time, so it wouldn’t have been easy to leave and never look back. I told him how I felt but he said I needed to start accepting him for who he was instead of who I wanted him to be. So I began focusing on the qualities I loved about him and my doubts about our relationship slowing diminished.
But for some reason, about two months before we were about to be husband and wife, they resurfaced. I tried to push them away. I tried to focus on the good, but they wouldn’t stop. Every morning I’d wake up miserable thinking about us and overall, I felt like sh*t.
I knew I needed to do something.
I spoke about this to my best friend, co-worker and his mom before having a talk with him. I needed all the advice I could get before dropping this bomb on him.
His mom was the most hurt by my confessions because she’s been through so much and she didn’t want to see us call it off. But she knew her son, so she understood. She told me she hoped we could work it out or else he’d never be able to recover from our break-up. Basically, it would be the end of him.
That night, I told him I needed to talk to him about something serious. I didn’t pull any punches; we simply sat in our room and discussed my doubts.
I made a list of things that really bothered me the most. The first was how he doesn't disclose his emotions or feelings. (I know he's a guy, but why should he be afraid to discuss anything with me?) The second was how he's not close with my family. He doesn't reach out to my parents or brothers and ask how they are; the only time he talks to them is when he needs something or if it involves me. The third is how he's so anti-social.
When I read him the list, I watched his face as he heard me explain. I felt more and more uneasy. But I knew that, no matter what, I needed to stick to the script. I needed to tell him exactly how I felt.
“So, you’re saying you still don’t accept me for who I am? You were the one person who I thought would understand me. I’ve done everything I could for you and more and you’re saying I’m not good enough?” he said.
I paused. He was right. He had done everything that I asked him to do: move out, take care of me, propose to me and have the wedding I wanted. And yet, none of it was enough for me. It was pretty awkward between us that night.
The next day, I could tell he was hurt because he wouldn’t talk or look at me. He ignored me. I followed him into our room and refused to let him brush his teeth until we solved this because clearly, there was still a problem.
One of the things I wanted to know was if he’d comfort me when I cried. (In the past, he never did.) He lay on the bed and we talked more about it. I could see the hurt in his eyes and I began to feel terrible. Maybe I was just thinking about myself instead of thinking about what a good guy he really was.
We sat there for a while just staring at each other.
“So, does this mean you no longer want to get married to me?” he asked. I felt like an assh*le.
I apologized for hurting him, but I didn't apologize for telling him how I felt. I had to get it all out; the wedding doubts were eating at me. We talked it out and I asked him to work on the stuff I mentioned, and I sure as hell had stuff to work on, too.
After that, we had sex. During the sex, I cried. I cried because I hurt him so badly and that was not my intention. So, I faced him with tears streaming down my face. He pulled me in and hugged me tightly.
That was when I realized that I was being stupid and I truly did want to marry him. The wedding doubts went away.
We married this past November.