Keep it classy, dudes.
It was recently announced that Sony Pictures is going to make a new movie titled Love in the Time of Dick Pics, which should tell you almost everything you need to know about the state of modern romance.
Not for everyone, mind you.
Dick pics still remain an acquired taste, but, because sexting has become so common, dick pics are everywhere now.
Many of them are unwelcome — looking at you, Anthony Weiner — but there are men and women in relationships where the exchange of dick pics is actually seen as a welcome romantic gesture. (The 21st Century is weird, right?)
But if you’re a man and you’re thinking about sending your first dick pic, there are things you need to consider. It’s not as simple as just running into your bathroom at work, shoving your phone down your pants, and waiting for the sexiness to begin.
Because there can be consequences for sexted dick pictures. Uncomfortable consequences that you need to truly contemplate before you hit “Send.”
So, as a public service to all you sexting novices out there, here's a guide for how send a dick pic, and 7 mistakes men make WAY too often.
1. They send a dick pic
Let’s be honest — it takes a special kind of person to appreciate an unexpected dick shot. They’re not for everyone, so 9 times out of 10, sending someone a dick pic is a TERRIBLE idea. Hell, it can even be a criminal idea, depending on who you send it to and what your relationship is. So, as a default, guys — DON’T SEND DICK PICS.
UNLESS… you’ve previously established that the other person is into it. Then go nuts. Set up a Terry Richardson photo shoot. Have some fun with it. But, unless you get that consent first, just don’t do it.
2. Two words — Reply All
Or the phone equivalent of “Reply All,” which is probably sending it to a previously-established text group. Another worst-case scenario is if you think you’re sending it to your new girlfriend Mona, but your big fat fingers accidentally hit “Mom.” The lesson here is — if you’re going to send a dick pic, you HAVE to triple-check that you’re sending it to the right person.
3. They forget that it's all about location, location, location
Setting matters when you’re taking a dick pic. If you’re taking one in the bathroom, fellas, your lady won’t appreciate seeing the toilet in the background. Or if you’re a disgraced married New York politician who’s gotten in trouble for sexting before, maybe make sure that you can’t see your young son in the picture. Because that’s not just gross, that’s abuse.
Remember — you’re setting a mood here, people. You’re trying to be sexy, not creepy.
4. They forget about perspective
Anyone who really wants to excel at dick pics should force themselves to take an art class, because it will pay off dividends. How? Because when you study art, you learn about vanishing points and perspective — two important visual tools that can help your junk look all the more impressive on your lady’s cellphone.
Remember how they made normal-sized Ian McKellen look so much bigger than the other Hobbit actors in the Lord of the Rings movies? That was the power of perspective. So, if you want to make sure your dick looks more like a towering wizard than a lowly Hobbit, keep perspective in mind when you take your pic. Put it in the foreground, establish a vanishing point in the background, and let the camera add ten inches.
5. They make poor lighting decisions
The correct lighting really sets the mood in a dick pic. If everything’s too shadowy, it might look like you have something to hide (or you’re being too pretentious). If things are too bright… well, let’s just say that NO ONE looks good under fluorescent lights. Try the nice rich tones of an incandescent lightbulb for your next dick pic. It will look casual, yet refined, which is all you can hope for with a picture of your penis.
6. They neglect manscaping
How can I put this delicately? You don’t want it to look like your penis is trying to escape from the thorny thicket that surrounded Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Ideally, you want things to look clean and smooth, not like a fat guy’s back on a New Jersey beach. Maybe trim things up before the photo shoot for everyone’s benefit.
7. They underestimate the importance of trust
This is HUGE. If you send a picture of your penis to someone, you are giving them leverage over you. And it doesn’t matter if you use Snapchat because we all know that you can screenshot that stuff before it vanishes.
Thus, before you send a dick pic to ANYONE, you have to ask yourself — how much to I trust this person? Could they forward this to everyone I know? Could they get mad and send this to my boss, my mom, my priest? Could they try to use this for revenge after a nasty breakup down the road?
Dick pics are about two things — being overtly gross and sexual AND being vulnerable. You are opening yourself up to a person when you send them dick shot, so, before you do it, think it over and make sure you won’t regret it.