Do pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.
Shakespeare once wrote, "A dildo, a dildo, my kingdom for a dildo!"
But don't, like, quote me on that. I spent most of academic life journaling about boys' butts and thus am not to be trusted.
Whether or not the great Bard wrote of dildos, it's undeniable that sex toys play a huge part in our lives.
At least, if we're keyed into our sexuality they do.
Dildos are a fun, easy way for men and women to explore what turns them on.
Unfortunately, there are some sex toys you should never use.
Some sex toys are made cheaply and sold to make a fast, easy buck with little to no regard for whether they are safe to use or not.
You wouldn't pick a piece of gum up off the street and eat it, but when you buy a dildo do you even stop to see what it's made of?
High quality and non-toxic materials should be among the contributing factors at play when you go dildo shopping.
You're concerned with girth, length, and shape? You should also be concerned with how the dildo you are introducing to your vagina or anus is going to affect your body's natural chemistry.
Here are 6 types of dildos you should avoid buying if you want to have a safe and healthy sex life.
This malachite dildo might LOOK beautiful, but that's where your relationship with it needs to stop. Whyfore? Because malachite is water soluble, which means putting it in your vagina again and again can BREAK IT DOWN.
That's right, your vagina can destroy rocks.
In this case, the dissolved malachite will give you a nasty infection but messing with the perfectly balanced flora of your vagina. Don't do it.
You can still buy this vibrator ... but you shouldn't.
Why? Because it's made using PVC.
One of the main ingredients in PVC-based products are phthalates, a material used to make plastic more pliable. It's also a dissolving agent.
That's right, you're putting some designed to MELT INDUSTRIAL GRADE MATERIALS inside your vagina.
Set it on fire.
(Actually, don't. Just throw it in the trash!)
Not all glass dildos are safe.
If you want to experience a glass dildo and be safe, make sure they are using medical grade borosilicate glass.
That's the same, tempered glass used by Pyrex.
It's the highest quality glass available, and unlike like cheap imitations, it isn't porous, which is great because that means it won't absorb anything, making it easier to clean.
Now don't panic. As you've probably noticed, there's a trend here: cheap knock-offs = dangerous. And usually, expensive name brand = safe sex toys.
That's the case with metal dildos too. Make sure you're buying from a vetted vendor who uses stainless steel or aluminum.
Otherwise, you run the risk of getting a lower quality of material that's more likely to RUST, and let's be real, you don't want rust in your vagina.
Like at all. Like ever.
Your vagina can take a lot. I mean, it's designed to pass fully formed humans, so that's not shocking.
But childbirth is a traumatic event for the body, sex and masturbation shouldn't be.
It's totally fine to play with larger dildos, but you need to be practical and safe.
Dildos that are too long or too thick inserted without the right amount of lubrication can cause micro tears inside the vagina and rips externally as well.
If they are properly made (which means being vitrified AND glazed with non-toxic glaze) ceramic dildos can give you years of pleasure.
Unfortunately, that isn't always the case.
If you're going to buy a ceramic dildo, avoid Etsy and stick with verified sellers (your sex toy store can hook you up).
Ceramic can be porous if it isn't glazed, making it impossible to keep clean. Unglazed ceramic also chips really easily, and like, ouch.
For everything else that I haven't listed here, if you want to know if a sex toy is safe to use, do a little research!
You'll never regret NOT using a dangerous dildo ... right?!