Can we just be quiet, please?
So… why am I so bad at it?
Because I’m a man and I suck at dirty talk.
In theory, dirty talk should be right in my wheelhouse. I like sex. I’m fairly creative. And I’m (what’s commonly referred to as) a “Chatty Cathy,” i.e., I have a big mouth and I talk a lot.
Which, in my experience, is always a trainwreck. A complete trainwreck. I simply do not understand how to talk dirty.
Maybe it’s because I’m a writer. Maybe I’m being too critical of the language because I simply can’t say “Baby, I’m so hard for you” without stepping back and thinking, “Wait, would someone really say that? I mean, really?”
I just can’t turn my inner editor off, and it sucks, because, in the past, when I’ve had a partner say “Talk dirty to me” or “Tell me what you want to do to me,” I find myself thinking, “Hmm… how best to phrase this?” And, surprisingly, women don’t want you to pause and refer to the Chicago Manual of Style before you tell them how you want to fuck them.
Dirty talk always feels like a challenge to me. Like Alex Trebek is humming the Jeopardy theme over my shoulder while I try to think of something to say.
“You’re so fucking hot.”
“Oh, you feel so good.”
“Do you like that?”
“I mean, let me know if you don’t… never mind.”
“I’m just saying — you’re so fucking good.”
“Wait, ‘wet’ sounds gross, right? Ew. Sorry. It’s one of those words like ‘moist’ that just never…”
“Oh right, we’re fucking at the moment.”
“Your tits feel good?”
HOW DO PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO TALK DIRTY?! HOW DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT TO SAY DURING SEX?!
It never works for me. It always takes my partner out of the moment and makes everyone (me included) reconsider her decision to have sex with me.
It legitimately amazes me whenever I hear a couple admit that they love dirty talk in the bedroom. I always want to take them aside separately and ask a million questions. What do you say? Does she like that? Can I focus-test some dialogue with you?
I don’t know that it comes from a lack of sexual confidence. I’ve had really satisfying, active sex lives with my partners over the years.
Maybe it just comes from how I regard sex. Because, to me, sex has always been this ephemeral thing. Ask me to describe an orgasm or my deepest sexual desire and… I can’t. It’s something I can imagine in an instant, but it’s not anything that I can easily put into words.
Putting something into words feels too concrete to me, which sounds crazy coming from a writer, but what’s that old saying — “Talking about love is like dancing about architecture”?
That’s how I feel about sex. Whenever I try to define it through words, I always fail to capture the experience, which is particularly embarrassing when that failure actually happens DURING sex.
I don’t know how I can improve my dirty sex game. I could try to be less self-conscious. I could read from a script. I could wear noise-cancelling headphones, so I can’t hear myself actually say anything.
But, unless a miracle occurs or unless there’s a filthy talk version of the Blarney Stone I can kiss, I have to resign myself to the fact that I am categorically awful at talking dirty after dark.
I guess I’m just a “show not tell” guy. Hopefully, there are more guys like me out there.
Because, just because I can’t tell my partner what I want to do to her, it doesn’t mean that I don’t know what to do.
I do. (I think.) But just don’t make me tell you about it. (It will embarrass us both.)
But I guess if you want to learn how to get better at dirty talk, there are always videos like this one.
Maybe I'll give it another shot...