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Are you sucking the life out of everyone around you? This test will let you know for sure.
By Judith Orloff — Last updated on Jun 08, 2023
In my medical practice, I've developed enormous respect for the art of relationships, and what makes them work or fail.
In all successful relationships — whether with family, friends, or coworkers — it's vital that each person honestly examine his or her behavior and be willing to discuss it and change. In this spirit, I find it useful to regularly assess how we're relating to others — specifically, if our behavior may be draining.
There are different types of draining people you may encounter who I call "emotional vampires." These include, for instance, the chronic talker, the narcissist, and the drama queen.
But inevitably, we've all got a bit of "vampire" in us, especially when we're stressed. So, give yourself a break.
It's admirable to admit, "I think I'm draining my spouse. What can I do?" You can't begin to make changes in your life without this type of honesty. The solution is to own up to where you may be draining and then change the behavior.
As a psychiatrist, I believe it's those with real power who can step up first to surrender their ego, admit shortcomings, all in service of loving communication.
For instance, one of my patients in computer graphics kept hammering his wife with a poor-me attitude about how he always got stuck with boring projects at work. Instead of trying to improve the situation, he just kvetched. She started dreading those conversations and diplomatically mentioned it to him. This motivated my patient to address the issue with his supervisor, which got him more stimulating assignments.
Similarly, whenever I slip into emotional vampire mode, I try to examine and alter my behavior, or else discuss the particulars with a friend or a therapist so I can change. Don't hesitate to seek assistance when you're stumped.
To find out if your behavior is draining, take the 'Am I an emotional vampire' quiz below.
Listed below are some common indications that you're becoming an emotional vampire. Mark "Yes" or "No" for each of the questions and give yourself one point for every "Yes" response.
- Do people avoid you or glaze over during a conversation? Yes / No
- Are you self-obsessed? Yes / No
- Are you often negative? Yes / No
- Do you gossip or bad-mouth people? Yes / No
- Are you critical and/or controlling? Yes / No
- Are you a drama queen or king? Yes / No
- Do you corner people and tell them your whole life story? Yes / No
- Are you in an emotional black hole, but won't get help? Yes / No
Results of the quiz: Give each "yes" response one point and count up your score.
Your score: 0 points
Congratulations! There are no signs that you are being an emotional vampire.
Your score: 1 point
This behavior could be draining others. Start being mindful of when you do this and begin to shift the behavior. Then see if people are relieved.
Your score: 2 points
These are warning signs that you may be becoming emotionally draining to others. Ask yourself what is motivating you to engage in these draining behaviors and move forward to make positive changes.
Your score: 3 points
You are showing some emotional vampire tendencies.
It is time to compassionately examine your behaviors and begin to make a change. Do not beat yourself up. Be proud that you can be emotionally honest and want to be more positive.
Your score: 4 points
You are showing moderate emotional vampire tendencies.
Take a breath. Begin to tackle each behavior individually over time and take baby steps to change. For instance, if you tend to be self-obsessed, you can begin to ask others about themselves. Celebrate every change you make to be supportive.
Your score: 5 points
You are showing moderate-to-strong emotional vampire behaviors.
You may ask your loved ones if they feel drained by a specific behavior such as nagging or being critical. Then you can begin to be mindful of when you fall into it and start to change.
Your score: 6 points
You are showing strong emotional vampire behaviors.
You may ask your loved ones if they feel drained by a specific behavior such as being negative but being unwilling to get help. Seriously consider their suggestions about how to improve your communication. Be compassionate with yourself all along the way.
Your score: 7 points
You are showing strong to extremely strong emotional vampire behaviors.
Be kind to yourself and set out to make small changes to improve one behavior at a time.
Your score: 8 points
You have extremely strong emotional vampire behaviors that can be draining others in your life.
Commend yourself for your honesty, but begin to understand what motivates you. Is it fear? Feeling less-than? Anger?
Don't hesitate to ask for help from friends who can offer honest feedback, or a therapist. People around you will appreciate the positive changes you make.
The remedy for these draining behaviors is to start shifting your attitude.
Journaling about this can help. Ask yourself, "Is there a particular trigger that creates the situation? If so, then how can you avoid the trigger? How can you become aware of when you fall into this attitude? Are there people you respect who could help you?"
Now, write out an action plan to shift these attitudes. Remember to be kind to yourself and begin with small changes — baby steps. Taking action can help solve the problem quickly as opposed to many emotional vampires who stay stuck in patterns for years.
I promise: your relatives, friends, and coworkers will appreciate your efforts and your relationships will dramatically improve.
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Judith Orloff, MD is a New York Times best-selling author of "Emotional Freedom," "The Power of Surrender," "Second Sight," "Positive Energy," "Guide to Intuitive Healing, and "The Empath's Survival Guide." Dr. Orloff's work has been featured on CNN, Oprah Magazine, USA Today, The Today Show, among many others.
This article was originally published at Huffington Post. Reprinted with permission from the author.