Never Apologize For Asking For What You NEED In A Relationship

Photo: WeHeartIt
ask for what you need in relationships
Love

You're human, you have needs.

My boyfriend has a funny quirk that has defined our relationship. 

When I do stuff like ask him if we can see a movie I want to see, or tell him I don't feel like going out, he stops whatever he's doing, turns and looks at me, and then says, "I love you, thank you for asking me that," or "thank you for telling me that."

For a while, I just assumed that this is what relationships with male lesbians are like (zing!).

But then I realized that he was actually teaching me something really important about how a good relationship works. 

In order to make any relationship, romantic or otherwise, flourish, you have to be able to ask your partner for what you need.

This might sound to some like a no-brainer, for some. After all, we all know communication is key to relationships. But it wasn't until I fell in love with my boyfriend that I realized just how hard this can be. 

WeHeartIt

Some women are natural people-pleasers, and that's because we're taught (by society, our families, and basically everybody) that our greatest value is our ability to suppress our own needs and wants in order to give the people in our lives everything that THEY need. 

And sure, being selfless and kind and loving and generous to the people you love is a great attribute. 

But it doesn't mean anything if, in the long run, you come to resent them for it. 

How does this happen? 

By the simple fact of you not telling the people you love exactly what you need. 

I have been miserable in past relationships, and some of that misery (though definitely not all of it) was my own fault. 

How could I expect the men I was dating to read my mind? How could they know I was sleepy and didn't want to go out, or that I needed a hug, or that something I wanted to do was really important to me? 

WeHeartIt

I think as women we are so terrified of seeming needy, that we don't communicate even our basic wants of our partner. 

I hate that word: needy. It minimizes the way relationships work. 

If you have a partner, there should be an understanding that you are to support each other IN that need. That's what saying I love you is all about. 

If the guy you're dating is hemming and hawing about being monogamous with you, for instance, you don't have to quietly sit there while he makes up his mind.

Ask for what you need, and if he can't provide that, better you find out now than six months from now. 

It is hard to ask for what you need in a relationship. That's because in doing so, you're giving your partner a chance to deny you what you need. And when you love someone, that hurts.

But that's called making yourself vulnerable, and it's necessary if you want to achieve true intimacy.

Asking for what you need isn't easy, but over time if you make it a part of your relationship and focus on it actively, you'll find that BOTH of you are happier than you expected. 

 

 

Explore YourTango