Here's the secret to finding true love.
By Deni Abbie and Tom Burns and Melanie McGrath and Lewis Brown Griggs and Helen Fisher and Melanie Gorman — Written on Jan 30, 2018
If you’ve been unsuccessfully dating for a long while, it’s easy to feel defeated. After a few relationships fail to go anywhere, you can find yourself asking, “How am I EVER supposed to find my soulmate?”
The “soulmate” is a very intimidating concept when men and women are dating.
When you’re having a hard time meeting someone, it’s almost impossible to wrap your head around the idea that there's actually a perfect person out there, who perfectly complements your heart and soul on every single level.
How does anyone find their soulmate in this big, scary world? The odds against it must be astronomical.
And yet, people DO find their soulmates out there every day. So how can you become one of the lucky ones?
Senior VP of YourTango Experts Melanie Gorman sat down with a panel of relationship experts and asked:
“What do people need to do to find their soulmates?”
Their responses were enlightening, to say the least. In the above video, YourTango Experts Deni Abbie, Melanie McGrath Knuts, Lewis Brown Griggs, and Helen Fisher offer their best tips for people who are struggling to find their soulmate.
A soulmate isn’t just going to tap you on your shoulder and say, “Can I love you forever?” You have to search for them. You have to be prepared to bring them into your life.
Here are 4 of our YourTango Experts’ most important pieces of advice for people who want to find their soulmate sooner, rather than later:
1. Before you can find a soulmate, you have to know what you want first.
Too often, when we’re entering a new romance, we let chemistry take the wheel. That initial spark feels so exciting that it makes us ignore the important questions we should be asking in the moment — questions like, “Is this the kind of person I’m looking for?” or “What do I really want from a partner?”
If you want to find the perfect match for yourself, you need to know what’s important to you and what you truly want to find in a soulmate. Because if you haven’t had those hard conversations with yourself first, you’ll find yourself letting chemistry drag you down a lot of dating dead-ends.
2. You have to actually be looking for your soulmate.
Every year, Helen Fisher does a research study for Match.com titled “Singles in America,” and one of the most surprising results from the annual data is that only 16 percent of singles are actively looking for somebody to fall in love with.
Only 16%!
The respondents talk about how they'd be open to something if it just happens to come along (if it drops in their lap), or that they’ll look in their immediate social circles (where they already know everybody). But only 16 percent of those surveyed are actually going out into the world wanting to find a soulmate.
So, if you want to increase your chances, just start looking. You’ll already be doing more than 80 percent of most singles.
3. You have to look beyond the surface to what's inside.
Superficial details can be important in a relationship (we live in these bodies full-time, so it helps if you like them). However, when you’re trying to make a true love connection, you HAVE to force yourself to look beyond the surface details — because there’s so much else you have to fall in love with to make a relationship work.
Yes, you should be attracted to the other person, but the importance of that physical spark lessens over time and other details become more important. Those things matter move, like if they’re funny, if they want to have kids, or if they’re empathetic and kind.
True soulmates love what’s on the inside and the outside, so make sure that you’re considering both when you’re selecting a partner.
4. You have to have an open mind when searching for your soulmate.
Remember when we said that it’s important to know what you’re looking for? We stand by that advice. But it’s also important to leave yourself open to surprises.
Just because a person doesn’t score 100 percent on your personal “what I’m looking for in a partner” checklist, doesn’t mean that you might not fall madly in love with them someday.
There are core emotional values that should be non-negotiable deal-breakers for you, but keep an open mind about the more superficial deal-breakers, like tattoos, careers, music preferences, or political affiliations.
Maybe you never imagined yourself with a blonde banker from Wisconsin, but who knows? That finance-loving Cheesehead might understand you better than anyone ever has before.
Give yourself time to look beyond the surface, and keep an open mind while dating. You just might find love in an unexpected place or with an unexpected someone.
There’s even more soulmate advice in the YourTango Expert video — advice that will help you get real about finding your true, eternal love.
The fact of the matter is… If you really want to find your true soulmate, you need to make it a priority in your life. Figure out what you want, consider your options, reconsider your deal-breakers, and actually go out and start looking for your "one!"
If you’re struggling to find a soulmate and are having difficulty in opening yourself up to new relationships, please visit the websites of our YourTango Experts panel members and contact Deni, Melanie, Lewis, or Helen directly. They’re here to help.