Mark My Words: Donald Trump's Presidency Will Improve Your Sex Life

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The worst of times often means periods of incredibly inspired art. And sex.

Don't laugh. OK, that's not fair — you can laugh a little. Or throw up in your mouth. Wherever your mind takes you.

But I come bearing good news, poor, sad liberal. Donald Trump, AKA "The Donald", AKA The Next President of the United States of America (WTF?!) might just be the best thing that ever happened to your private parts. So get ready for the best sex of your life

Whaaaa?? Just hear me out. 

History is a complex cat. She doesn't play by the rules, if you will, often favoring to dart here or there at the very last moment, right when we think we know what's about to go down. And yet, there are patterns. For all of her unpredictable nonsense (just go look at your TV this very moment), history still tends to repeat herself when the stakes are high.

And in this case, for millions of Americans standing there scratching their heads and crying their eyes out in the wake of the dawning of President Trump, there needs to be a bright side. And I think I've found it. 

Whenever history presents human beings with a bullsh*t hand, human beings respond with VASTLY SUPERIOR art, music, literature, poetry, theater, film, TV, comic books, graffiti, and comedy. 

Think about that for a second.

Goya was one of the greatest painters who ever lived. And his time on Earth was riddled with war.

The poverty-stricken reality of 19th Century England? Charles Dickens' muse.

Bob Dylan... ever hear of him? How about Joan Baez? They were two of the best folk singers who ever lived. And guess what? They both were born bearing witness to massive social injustices all around them

Hell, every band you like today owes its very existence to the birth of rock and roll. And Rock is the child of the Blues, the treasure trove of music created by African-Americans at a time, not that long ago, when racial equality in America wasn't even discussed. 

My point? The worst of times often means periods of incredibly inspired art. And sex. 

OK, the sex part is my only little theory, but why not? It makes perfect sense, doesn't it? So many of us (and, ahem, let's just be perfectly clear here: the hottest people in the land by far) will be yearning for escape from the potential sh*tshow of daily life that might be coming our way when President Trump kicks in. There's no guarantee we're going to be entering the Dark Ages all over again, of course, but...well, yes there is. 

And what art form, what method of human escape, of transcending Plagues and Oppression and Inequality and Hate and Poverty is more foolproof than a good old-fashioned roll in the hay?

I see that cute little grin creeping up along your horndog face! Aha! I'm right, aren't I? Those of us with heart and soul and brains and compassion, those of us who stand for true freedom and equality, who aren't afraid of speaking our minds to make a better world for the next generation, we are about to get LAID, aren't we? 

And if we start having MORE sex with people we care about in order to flee the bad regime on the wings of lust, well... then we're bound to start having BETTER sex after a while, huh? 

And MORE BETTER sex will likely result in more agile clear minds and bodies, don't you think? And that will mean when we're not at work or shagging everywhere from the back seats of our cars to every nook and cranny along the Appalachian Trail, we're going to be one strollin', struttin' confident, happy amalgam of humanity moving across this once great nation. So you do the math.

Millions of us f*cking for joy in the face of pain. Millions of us reenergized and ecstatic. Millions of intelligent, progressive humans reborn unto the streets of America with a twinkle in their eye and skip in their step.

A like-minded army of Bedroom Superstars all coming together (no pun intended) to rise up (Jesus, sorry!) against whatever this new guy decides to try and throw at us. It's magical, isn't it? It's remarkable. It's unbelievable.

Here we are. We are poised to change our world in between constant sessions of the best sex in the history of it. All thanks to the dude from The Apprentice.

This is all going to be so f*cking strange. But whatever. Let's get it on. 

 

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