I hate you / want to be you!
We love to hate them, and we want to be them. We stalk their Snapchat and Instagrams. We criticize — and we copy them.
There are certain kinds of women that just bring out the green-eyed monster in us.
We compare ourselves like crazy and then justify our secret jealousy. A jealousy so secret, we don't even want to admit it to ourselves!
Or maybe it's just me... I'm a Scorpio... please tell me I'm not alone in this:
1. The serial monogamists
The one’s that can’t stay out of a relationship for longer than two months
What we say to comfort ourselves: She's not independent. She literally CAN'T survive without a guy in her life! It's sad, really. And look, she can't even keep a man!
But really: Damn, they might not always be great relationships, but she's having fun and a ton of guys are into her.
2. The vagabonds
They travel all the time — extra green points when they somehow manage to do it on a budget.
What we say to comfort ourselves: Well, must be nice to have a job that doesn't really require much! She's probably going to get fired. She's being irresponsible! Probably spending way too much money! I have too much to do to waste time like her!
But really: She's living out my dreams and ugh those places look so beautiful and cool and ugh when will I ever be able to do that? How does she do it?
3. The flirts
You go out, they get hit on without even doing anything. It’s inevitable.
What we say to comfort ourselves: The only reason she gets hit on so much is because she gives off the vibe of an easy girl. I'm intimidating! These guys can SENSE that I'm not interested in them!
But really: She's so magnetic and appealing, and now I wish I had worn something cuter and was just cuter in general. I feel so left out and unwanted.
4. Everyone’s best friend
No matter where you put them, they somehow manage to be the funniest, most charming, and get along with everyone. You call to hang out with a friend and then that friend is like: Totally! We should see if so-and-so can come too! You come out feeling like second best.
What we say to comfort ourselves: Whatever. She gets a long with a bunch of people but she doesn't have DEEP relationships. And she gets into drama all of the time because of it! I don't want extra drama! People are annoying! Why waste time with SO MANY people?
But really: She's so sweet and funny. Do people even really like me, or am I just tolerable? She's so awesome and everyone knows it.
5. The Insta-Famous
They always get hundreds of likes on all of their posts (and totally deserve it).
What we say to comfort ourselves: She's so vain. None of this amounts to anything! I could do that if I wanted to! But I don't want to waste time picking out a filter for a stack of brunch pancakes! FAKE!
But really: Her life looks so cool, and her pictures are so pretty, and she's so well-received and dammit she looks gorgeous by that sunset with their cute puppy… *reluctantly hits the like button*
6. The Great Dancers
They don't just bump and grind mindlessly. They can actually dance, which makes more people want to dance with her. Who wouldn't?
What we say to comfort ourselves: Tch, have sex on the floor, why don’t you! That guy is only coming up to her because she dances like she’s ready to do the mattress-mambo! I'm just having fun being me! I don't need extra attention to feel validated!
But really: God, she could have starred in one of the Dirty Dancing movies. She's so coordinated! How does she move her hips like that? And that body roll! I'm trying to feel the music, but she feels it way better! Maybe I should take dance lessons? How does one even body roll?
7. The busy-bees
Take a number. You want to hang out with them on the weekends, but they’ve always got something else booked… which can make us feel like a loser.
What we say to comfort ourselves: So what? She's just bored! She'll hang out with ANYONE who asks! I'm one of her FEW actual friends! And I'm more selective about how I spend my time! She's probably not even ACTUALLY going to have a good time.
But really: Why don't I have more plans? I must seem so unpopular. Maybe I really AM unpopular? Shit...
8. The fashionista
You go out with her, and somehow she manages to get multiple compliments on her outfit, her earrings, her hairstyle, what have you — and we’re over here like a potato in last year’s Labor Day sale necklace that might have been on sale for more than one good reason. They’ve managed the balance of a unique flare that fits them perfectly. Extra green points if they also don't even have to plan their outfits three days ahead of time and just wear what they feel like that morning.
What we say to comfort ourselves: She's materialistic, so of course she'll get complimented on such trivial things! I'm deeper than that! I'm not just about the shallow stuff!
But really: She looks amazing. I want that top. Why can't I ever find this awesome stuff? She has such good taste and confidence!
9. The health nuts
They actually like green juices, are great cooks, and don’t see the big deal about pizza. They’re freaks of nature. Beautiful freaks of nature with great skin and hair and energy to hike at five in the morning, and if offered cake, they have the self control to say: “nah, I’m good, thanks.”
What we say to comfort ourselves: Tch, she's depriving herself! And totally missing out! I'm living it up! YOLO!
But really: Dammit, she's so healthy! Can I even do a cartwheel? Maybe I should get a juicer. I need to be more conscious about my health.
But HEY! We ALL have something to be jealous of. Hey, you might even fit into one or more of these categories! I don't even know you and I'm kind of jealous!