Like... for real?
By Heather Gray
I am a single woman who is on a couple of dating sites and I’m fed up with a trend! I chat with men online and within 2-3 sentences they turn it into sex!! I hate that! What can I do to change that? Have men see me for a woman, not a booty call? I don’t have any suggestive pics or content on my profile..Ugh! I’m so sick of it!
I want to be nice about blowing them off when they do that or come back with some sort of response that tells them that turns us off and it’s NOT what we are looking for.
Do you have any advice?
What’s worse, it’s not even a rare thing anymore. It’s nearly every single time you start a conversation with a prospective date. Never mind the 3 date rule, you suddenly find yourself wondering if maybe a 3 text rule needs to be implemented before sex is brought up.
I get it. It’s insulting and it’s a turnoff and when you’re dating online, it seems to be happening all the time.
Where do you stand on this?
Before you think about his needs or what he needs to learn, where do you stand? What are your values and preferences around this? What are your boundaries?
I hear that you want to feel respected and seen as a woman. What does that look like for you? Is talking about sex off the table until the first date? Second conversation? Know your own comfort level about this.
Be clear about who you are:
If you’re not interested in a man once he brings up sex too early on, have a good standard response ready, one that reflects your boundaries.
- It was nice of you to say hi and check in but I am going to cut this conversation short. Talking about sex before our first date or before you even know my last name just doesn’t interest me. It’s clear we came to this site looking for different things. Neither of us will find what we’re looking for in this exchange. Have a good day.
Still want to educate him on what turns a woman on?
I get that you want to educate him about what really interests a woman. However, my bias here is that a man who leads with talk about sex really isn’t interested in what you think. He’s showing you who he is so believe him and move on.
That being said, I know it’s important for people to speak their truth and that part of that truth is not just communicating your lack of interest but that you find such talk so early on offensive.
If this is the case, be clear with yourself that speaking up is something that you are doing for you, regardless of whether or not it changes anyone’s mind or behavior.
Tell him what you want him to think:
- I know that we all come on here looking for or hoping for something. I know, too, that the internet can be a playground that lets us set the rules we want to play by. I just need you to know that I am not interested in talking any further.
- I was interested in getting to know you more because_____ and ____. However, before we’ve gotten past the “how do you dos”, you’re asking me____ and saying____ and I’m just not interested. That kind of commentary is_______ and I find it offensive. If you’re striking out with women other than me, this kind of talk might be why. Communicate transparently.
What if you are still interested in talking but just not about sex? You have to be really clear on that and set your boundaries accordingly. If he respects them, then he gets the green light and you two can continue to get to know him.
If he continues, consider this a red light. It’s your first red flag. You set a boundary and he disrespected it. Do not pass go. Do not collect your 200 dollars. Just shut it down and move on. Do not continue to get to know someone who disrespects your limits. You know the ending to that relationship already.
Here are some things you can say:
- Hey, I am glad to start chatting with you but you don’t even know my last name yet. Don’t you think we should get to know one another before we talk about sex?
- Hey, now. If you just met me at your friend’s party 6 minutes ago, would you really be asking me what I like in the bedroom? Can’t we just date like it’s 1989 and get to know one another before we talk about getting naked?
- I get that with online dating that everyone feels free to talk about sex in the first conversation but that isn’t me. I’d prefer to establish that we actually like each other before sex enters this conversation.
Write your own dating rules.
This is the part of dating that so many people seem to miss: the only rules that matter are yours.
Just because everyone is seemingly talking about sex right away doesn’t mean you need to. You get to decide what interests you, what you’re comfortable with, and what attracts you.
Don’t let what everyone else is doing change or influence your personal boundaries or limits.
You might think that if you say no to every man who mentions sex in the first conversation, you won’t meet anyone. That only means you won’t be meeting the men you are incompatible with and that’s not really a loss.
Yes, you might get some radio silence at first but eventually, someone will emerge from that rubble and will be similar to you with values more aligned to yours. The only way you’ll see him or find him is if you shut the rest of the noise down.
That guy….the one closer to your values, well, he takes his time, too. He might be quieter and more tentative. He might think you expect a shirtless pic of him right at the beginning! He may worry that you won’t think him confident or attractive enough.
Men like that have been programmed to believe that they finish last. Sometimes they live and act as if that’s true.
Pay attention to the men who respect your limits and look for the ones who don’t use sex talk to get your attention. That crowd may be smaller and quieter but it sounds like it’s there that you will find what you’re looking for.
This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.