If I had been able to be a better person at that point in my life, I know what we would have had.
How can you miss something that never quite was? You can miss the dream of an almost fantasy relationship or simply of a possibility that never quite manifested.
In every significant relationship you experience, you have high hopes everything will work out in a wonderful way. Every love is the attempt for it to be your happily ever after.
It's possible to look back and think about each relationship to see the beauty in the possibility of each of them, even if they did not end in what could have been. This is not to take away anything from what you have now because what you have now is wonderful.
In looking back upon my own life and my past loves, I feel a sense of completeness and love. But I can also honor and acknowledge what I miss about what we almost had.
But no more so than my first love.
We were so close. I think back and I wonder what could have been if only things had gone differently. I miss what we almost had because of my own stupidity, my own childishness.
There will always be an aching in my heart and my soul for the love that I destroyed. He was there; he gave me everything. He stood up for me. He loved me. He stood there ready and prepared to be the man that I needed. The man that I wanted.
But I was not ready for him then. I was still caught in my own confusion and in my own self-destruction.
It was never his fault; it was mine. I'm the one who destroyed what we had and what we almost had. So even though what I have now is beautiful and I would not give it up for anything, I still pause and think of him and remember what we almost had... what he offered me, but which I could not receive at the time.
I've held myself guilty for a long time. I've tried to make amends, but I deceived him. I hurt him in the worst way and he did nothing to deserve it.
If I had been able to be a better person at that point in my life, I know what we would have had. We would have had a family. We would have had a home. We would have had a true love for all eternity to look upon and say, this is love.
He may never forgive me, and I understand. I cannot take back what I did or how I hurt him. All I can say at this point is, I'm sorry.
I don't know if it's any consolation to him, but I'm a different person now. I have learned the lessons that I needed to. I have become the person that I wish I could have been sooner. I have become the person that I wish I had been for him when I was younger.
I can offer him that. I can offer my contrition and my promise that I will never hurt anyone like that again. I feel assured in knowing that he has been able to move forward with his life and find the love that he dreamed of. And I know that he did.
But I do miss what we almost had.
The philosophy I believe in has helped me to move forward with my life. I believe that all of my experiences have helped make me the woman I am today and that, without my past, I may never have gotten to where I am today.
And now I do not miss my future because I'm living it here, today.