I'm Looking For A Man Who'll Grab Me By The Brain

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I’m Looking For A Man Who’ll Grab Me By The Brain

(Not the p*ssy.)

I remember the date where I realized that the guy sitting across from me wasn't very bright. He was gorgeous, and a breakdancer. We had met at a party thrown by a friend of mine. And it seemed like love at first sight... until we actually went on a date together.

I remember it well. I remember the way we enjoyed our food, drank wine, and talked about our favorite dance tracks. And then, I remember when he dropped the bomb on me.

He said, "Ossiana, your eyes are as green as lemons."

I blinked. Lemons? Those aren't even green.


I cocked my head, wondering if I was sick or something. I tried to look at his face for some sort of expression of concern. Nope, no concern was to be found. He wasn't drunk, either. It was then I realized that I was on a date with a blithering idiot.

He seemed to notice that I was puzzled at this point, and it was then he realized that lemons were not, in fact, green. Throwing his hands up in the air, he said, "Wait! Wait, no. Your eyes are as green as ROSES! Roses are more romantic!"

Satisfied with his upgraded answer, he didn't correct himself after that and no, he's not colorblind.

The fact is that I don't mind dating someone who's lacking in the intelligence department as long as he's got other good qualities. Dumb guys can be fun to be around, and to a point, I feel happy when I can teach them something new.

But the truth is, stupid gets old. Stupid is easy when they're into you, and a downright insult when they skip over you. So, while it's fun to date stupid, I could never see myself marrying stupid.


Now that I'm 28, I can't see myself committing to a guy with the intelligence of a baked potato. If I'm going to commit to someone, I want to commit to someone who I wouldn't have to worry about having to babysit while he cooks dinner or does laundry.

After the kinds of guys I've dated, I've learned that stupid men can turn hard boiling an egg into a serious fire hazard...and I'm just not cool with committing to that.

And, having gotten as old as I have, I've learned that a really committed relationship is about growth. It's about growing with one another. It's about having someone who inspires you to be more than you already are. Sadly, stupid people don't make me grow. If anything, they tend to cause disasters that slow down my own growth and force me to clean up messes I shouldn't have to clean up.

I'm not the smartest person in the world, and I'm aware of that, but the cool thing about relationships is that you can teach one another new things. I want someone who can teach me things once in a while, but not rub his intellect in my face.

I want someone who I can teach, too. I want someone who gets me thinking about things in a different way, who makes me ask questions nobody asks.


Call it getting older or call it a change in taste, but I've gotten over the whole "stupid" fetish I once had. Rather than date another statuesque meathead, the next guy I want to date will have some substance to him. Life's too short to deal with guys who can't grab a person by the brain.

Got that, Trump?



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