It was like being struck by lightning.
Unlike the female orgasm (so I've heard), the male orgasm lacks magic and majesty. In a number of ways, it's like comedy: friction plus time. But even the utilitarian male nut-busting can exist on a spectrum from "this is my third JO-sesh today, and it resulted in a BB of semen and a vicious foot cramp," to "we've both been training and abstaining for months, and now it's time to wreck a headboard if not all future expectations of sex."
I've had a theory that's been slowly evolving my entire adult life that all people think they:
- Possess a good sense of humor
- Are a good driver
- Are a good listener
- Are a reasonable person
- Good in bed (Most women I've met think they'd be great relationship advice columnists yet are often in bad relationships.)
Outside of a complex road course, it's more or less impossible to prove any of these, yet our egos insist on being ranked "good." We look for tiny clues and beg for overt validation that we are as good as we think we are.
Where is this going? You'd like to think that you're a wildcat in the sack.
And even though sex is pretty damned decent, even if it's executed clumsily, you want to be memorable. You want to be the best he's ever had. In the likely 10,000 some-odd pipe cleanings he's endured, you want to be the one that he calls his grandson over on his deathbed to talk about. The time that his essence was drained by god herself.
I reached out to a few bros, writers and roughnecks alike, for what there word was on the best orgasm they ever had. (Some names have been changed.)
1. She made it all about me.
"It wasn't her hair tied in that high pony or the little black dress hiked around her belly button so she could bend at the knees. It wasn't even that I had played this fantasy out in my mind time and time again. No, it was her unprovoked willingness and selfless enthusiasm that made this oral adventure my best orgasm ever.
Through the door and pushed hard to the bed, after a night out where I made it my business to treat her like a queen, she made it clear that it was my turn to be treated like royalty... and I didn't have a choice in the matter. Electric sexual energy, fantasy in the flesh, and a willingness to make it just about me sent my eyes rolling and my fingers gripping." —Howard, 36
2. I ejaculated more than I've ever seen.
"You can tell by the amount of jizz. Not trying to be funny. It was a few times with this one chick and we were finishing round two. I even surprised myself how much came out of me." —David, 31
3. It was like having the best slice of pizza.
"I really think it's tricky to quantify 'best' when it comes to orgasms with a current partner. Because they will never know. It's a bit unfair, but past orgasms with past lovers are always best. I'll use Pizza as a metaphor.
The joke about 'Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good' holds some weight. True pizza lovers are very discerning; some like deep dish, brick oven, thin crust. But you always have your go-to place. The place that's home. You become a snob. No other place will do.
It becomes even more intense when your place is shuttered or you move away. You can't get it anymore. It's the scarcity. It tends to take on mythological proportions. Memory tends to soften the edges. Like sunlight filtered through sea glass. You will continue to have excellent pizza in your life, but nothing can equal the ghost of YOUR place. Now switch the orchestrator of your orgasm for Pizza." —Alex, 47
4. The aftershocks were just as pleasurable as the actual orgasm.
"If, following his orgasm, your man needs a moment to himself, that's a sign that something special just happened. And I don't mean rolling over and sleeping. I mean, if he closes his eyes, waves away any physical contact, smiles, and gestures that he just needs 'one minute,' that means he's savoring something.
His body feels SO good in that moment that he doesn't want anything to interrupt it. Or if he involuntary shudders. If your man keeps twitching or shuddering, like someone just walked over his grave, that means he's probably experiencing the tiny little pleasure aftershocks that only follow the best and most powerful orgasms. Or he's having a stroke. Either way, keep an eye on him." —Tim, 39
5. It was like being struck by lightning.
"When a fellow really hits that high-note, it's as if a very, very bad actor is playing the part of Ben Franklin in a community theater and his key-kite combination was just struck by lightning. His body undergoes something akin to rigor mortis in a massage chair.
His feet are flexed in a way that would suggest he was trying to barefoot waterski in a late 70s action spy film. His eyes are screwed shut so hard that you're worried it may look like someone punched him twice when they finally open. He lets out the kind of guttural sound you'd expect when a female German tennis player hits a forehand winner down the alley.
The whole thing would be cartoonish were it not for the volume of his effluence. We're talking icing a sheet cake in some grotesque parallel dimension in which everyone is highly intolerant of dairy. Pat yourself on the back, friend, you did good." —Tom, 37
6. My eyes rolled to the back of my head.
"My wife knows I've had an intensely amazing orgasm when she sees my eyes cross. She literally f*cks me cross-eyed. Me collapsing on the bed, speechless and breathing like I just ran 100 miles, is a good indicator, too." —Doug, 45