19 Of The Wisest, Most HILARIOUS Quotes From Amy Schumer's New Book

funny quotes, amy schumer
Self, Sex

She's one funny lady.

Since the premiere of her Emmy winning show Inside Amy Schumer in 2013, it seems that the brilliant comedian has been unstoppable. With Trainwreck, she had a hit film that she both wrote and starred in, and last summer she became the first female comedian to headline Madison Square Garden.

Her HBO special, directed by Chris Rock, was nothing short of brilliant, and last week her book, The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo, was released.

It's pretty obvious that Amy Schumer can do anything, and do it well, including writing a book that's hilarious, heart-warming (seriously), and unexpectedly wise and courageous. If you think all Amy Schumer is good for are a few raunchy, sometimes cringe-worthy dick jokes (which are fantastic in their own right), think again.

As an author, Schumer surprises with her depth, compassion, vulnerability, and her ability to deliver a concise and resonant life lesson along with her famous one-liners. The girl is amazing, and after finishing The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo, you'll wish she was the best friend you could call at midnight for advice on just about anything.

These 19 funny quotes are proof.

1. On Amy's dating red flags

"I once ended a potentially romantic relationship because the dude posted a picture of his friend's dog's funeral. Like literally, the dog being lowered into the ground in a garbage bag. Saying he was honored to be part of the day. Not even his own dog!"

2. On how Schumer feels about her appearance

"I'm not the hottest chick in the room. I would be like the third hottest bartended at a Dave & Buster's in Cincinnati."

3. About our parents

"The saddest realization I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment."

4. What she learned working at a camp for special needs adults

"People often romanticize children or adults with special needs as if they are innocent, yet wise creatures who can humble us all into becoming better human... the ladies of Camp Anchor owned their own flaws. I left camp knowing a bunch of women who weren't afraid to claim the guy they wanted to dance with; they didn't change a thing for the men they loved. They weren't ashamed of their bodily functions and they didn't lie to themselves or others."

5. When Amy was sexually assaulted as a teen who had never had sex

"I'm opening up about my 'first time' because I don't want it to happen to your daughter or sister or friend someday... I hope all parents talk to their kids about consent, and when you do, please, please don't make the mistake my mother made. Don't do it over a bowl of clam chowder. Because that is just gross and creepy."

6. Admitting that even though she's Amy Schumer, she's still an introvert

"At parties, you can usually find me... at home. I hate parties."

7. Wise words about management

"You can't expect someone to work past their potential. If you've hired someone with the mathematical aptitude of a pet rock, and she eats all your hot dogs and doesn't know how to make change, try to figure out how and where she shines, and let her excel in that area instead."

8. Yes, Amy Schumer has haters

"I want to throw my hands up after reading a mean Twitter comment and say, 'All right, you got me, I'm not pretty. I'm not thin. I don't deserve love. I have no right to use my voice. I will start wearing a burka and move to a small town upstate and wait tables at a pancake house.'"

9. Traveling the world

"Eat whatever food is local to that city because it is your duty to do so... someone may tell you, 'You have to try our pork fried hamburger,' or some weird sh*t. You gotta eat it. Show them some godd*mn respect."

10. Her work ethic

"I vow every night before I go on to do the best show I've ever done. I still bomb. I still kill... It's masochistic and it's noble. And I never want to stop."

11. Amy's advice on domestic violence

"When you're in love with a man who hurts you, it's a special kind of hell, yet one that so many women have experienced. You're not alone if it's happening to you, and you're not exempt if it hasn't happened to you yet. I found my way out and will never be back there again. I got out. Get out."

12. Things Schumer doesn't like

"People who go to Starbucks to write. Yuck." (Stop it, Amy. I am literally writing this article in Starbucks right now!)

13. About beauty standards

"Beauty doesn't have to be so strict, stringent and serious."

14. What she'd if she has a body like her sister, Kim Caramele

"If it were mine, I would have had so much fun with it by now. I'd be carrying every disease known to man and monkey. Instead, I'm shaped like a cactus and when I don't shave for four hours I feel like one, too."

15. That time Amy dated a really hot hoarder

"Now any time I see someone who is so physically beautiful that they don't look human, I remember that there's something totally f*cked up about them that will bring them right back down to earth."

16. About regret

"I wear my mistakes like badges of honor, and I celebrate them. They make me human... I'm proud that I labeled myself a flawed, normal human before anyone else did."

17. When reporters ask her sexist questions

"I am literally not a 'woman in Hollywood.' ...I have always lived in New York, and no it doesn't feel like an exciting time. The exciting time will come when nobody has to answer that question."

18. On gun violence

"Gun violence is specifically a women's issue... I think about Mayci and Jillian every day. I carry pictures of them on the road with me, and when I see that yet another American or several Americans were killed senselessly and avoidably by guns, all I can think is e-f*cking-nough."

19. Inner confidence

"When you get older and wiser, you get your confidence from within, not from the person you are having sex with."


If you're searching for the best quotes and memes to share with the people you love (or just want to feel inspired yourself) ... look no further! From the sweetest love quotes, inspirational sayings, and hilarious friendship truths, we've got you covered. 



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