To All The Men Who Say They Want An 'Old-Fashioned Woman'

Hey boys,

So I heard that you really want to have an "old-fashioned" type of wife, right? That sounds great. Dandy, even. I might even be able to point you in the direction of where an old-fashioned girl would be.

However, I just need to know a couple of things before I can point you in the direction of your ideal old-fashioned woman. First off, how old-fashioned are we talking?

Are we talking about the 1950s old-fashioned, where women wore those retro dresses, had red lipstick, and somehow ran a house all the time? If so, I can totally dig that. I love watching I Love Lucy and checking the rad clothes of the time. Unfortunately, most accounts of 1950s home life show most housewives didn't cook and clean in heels and a dress. Sorry!

The only thing is, I think you'll probably want a girl who will also help pay the bills... and that's not Mrs. 1950s.

You'd have to be the breadwinner, and she wouldn't accept someone who would ask to split the bill on a date. Chances are, you couldn't afford her and she'd likely balk the moment that you dare try to pull a creepy move like a dick pic or negging her.

Child-rearing might also be a problem. You wouldn't be too happy when you saw a 1950s-style mom drink while pregnant, let your kids play with loaded guns, or have CPS show up after she lets your 7-year-old kids run around the neighborhood unattended.

After all, the reason that houses were spotless back in the day was that most kids played outside... while mom drank wine, cleaned the house, and relaxed when all the work was done.

Lastly, many women in the 1950s were woefully underwhelmed with their roles in life, which could lead to depression. So in today's world, she'd probably want to leave your ass, anyway.

Nah, it's probably the 1880s kind of old-fashioned woman you're looking for, right?

Those women, they were conservative, right? Well, the good news is that they often worked just as long hours as the men of the house and they also did child-rearing if it wasn't outsourced to a maid or nanny. So, if you're looking for a woman who can definitely contribute to the household, she'd be it.

Oh, but you want them to be pretty, too, right? Sorry, buddy. In the 1880s, makeup was a serious no-no. Women who wore makeup were considered to be harlots, and that just wouldn't fly. Due to diet issues, many women also were either very overweight or underweight.

Since the 1880s involved a very strict courtship rule set, one single dick pic would be enough to make her run for the hills, grab her father, and have her father shoot you. Flipping out at her would also lead to fisticuffs with any old-fashioned men nearby.

Oh, and Victorian women would definitely need a man of proper pedigree to marry. Anyone from an unknown, low class or "broken" home would be out of luck. In some cases, even trying to court her may end up with angry relatives threatening the improper suitor.

Needless to say, a lot of guys who claim that they want an old-fashioned wife would probably never get anywhere close to success.

Hm. Maybe a lady from the Renaissance?

Yeah, somehow, we think you'll wince at the smell she'll emit. Bathing was still very rare in the Renaissance, and brushing one's teeth was unheard of.

So, where is this old-fashioned lady you want?

She's right there, next to the pixie dust and unicorn farts. What you might have realized by now is that the past is always seen through rose-tinted glasses.

To All The Men Who Say They Want An 'Old-Fashioned Woman'

The women of the past that men keep saying they want never actually existed.

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