If He Does These 6 Things, He Isn't Just Kinky — He's ABUSIVE

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He needs to GTFO. Now.

One of the biggest misconceptions about the kink community that I've faced is the idea that a male Dominant (aka "Dom") must be a sexist asshole. Are there Doms who are assholes? Absolutely. Because Doms are people, and not every person on this planet is perfect, myself included (despite what my mom says). 

If you are just starting your kink exploration, it can be difficult to distinguish between an exceptional Dom and a guy who just plain sucks, and may even aim to abuse you. The scales fall away from your eyes pretty quickly. After all, shit floats, it's hard to avoid. 

Male doms in the kink community, the good ones, tend to be loving feminists. That's because kink by its very nature is inclusive. If you find a man who doesn't seem to jive with this philosophy, chances are he's not a member of the kink community at all, he just an asshole. Don't let 50s Shades of Grey fool you, all masters are not created equal. 

Here are 6 signs your guy's not a Dom, he's just a guy exploiting the community to control and exploit women:

1. He doesn't listen when you say no. 

Part of a fun kinky relationship means testing your limits. You can't do that unless you really trust your partner. Fun for you two might mean that you use a safe word instead of no. If he doesn't stop when you give him the stop word or gesture and then chalks it up to being caught up in the moment, he isn't a master of kink, he's a master asshole. 

2. He pushes you to try things you don't want to do.

No consenting sexual relationship between two people should feature constant push-back. You should feel totally comfortable telling your partner you don't want to do something in bed. Worrying about making him mad, or hurting his feelings, or letting him down should not be a factor. A good kinky partner wants you to revel in the experience. Enthusiastic consent is key. 


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3. He undermines you in public

It's one thing for him to slap your ass in the bedroom and call you a bad girl, but if he calls you names or criticizes in public and tries to gloss over his abusive behavior as kink, he is an asshole and maybe even abusive.

A good kinky partner views you as their equal, that's part of what makes playing so much fun. 

4. He's misogynistic

You can't hate women and be a good member of the kink community. It just can't be done.

A man who hates women and hides this behind a self-espoused passion for dominating women in the bedroom is deluding him and is potentially dangerous to you. The community is a loving one, and this guy clearly has no clue. 


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5. He's too jealous 

Let's face it, it can be a little hot when your guy sheepishly admits to feeling jealousy from time to time. But if that jealousy becomes more than flirtatious play, it can be a sign that he doesn't trust you.

If a man doesn't trust you, he doesn't respect you, and you don't want to enter any sort of relationship, least of all a kinky one, with someone who doesn't respect you

6.  He has to have everything on his terms 

Sure, if in the bedroom he's a Dom, he's going to want to be in control. And if you're a Sub, that's the way you want it.

But that doesn't mean he gets to set the boundaries of play, or how you treat each other outside of that room.

The foundation of a kinky relationship isn't any different than a straight relationship — trust, communication, and balance in all things is crucial. 

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