*throws up in own mouth*
Sex is awesome, but anyone who has had ever had the good luck to make "the beast with two backs" can also tell you it can get pretty gnarly.
For the most part, we overlook weird noises and excess sweat production because that primal type of shit can be part of what makes these encounters so damn hot.
But even the best sex of your life can seem but a distant memory when you are confronted with a massive mystery pile of liquid poop in your bed the next morning.
That absolutely happened to me and I still don't quite know what occurred or out of whose butt this pile of awful was ushered into this fair world.
For years I thought I was alone, but over the years (thanks to our good friend tequila) I have heard my fair share of other people's gross-as-hell sex stories.
Since my friends refuse to have their dirty laundry aired (tequila only lasts for so long, y'all) I took to the internet where I asked anonymous strangers to tell me about the grossest thing that has ever happened to them during sex.
Warning: If you are eating while reading, maybe stop. These are some gnarly ol' sex stories.
What's the grossest thing that's ever happened while you were having sex?
- "This is tough for me. There are few things I find gross in sex. Anal sex is always a little gross. Probably the worst for me is smells, though. My girlfriend and I used to have a playmate that did not always wash properly, and sometimes when she came over she would have this high, sweet, disturbing smell that I associate with rot."
- "I'm gonna go with the worst, rather than gross per say. In Pittsburgh, much of the heating is delivered by heated air along the walls through metal tubes. Heavy metal tubes. Because reasons, a girl fell off the bed -- was pushed? Either way. She fell off the bed, and hit her head HARD on the heavy metal tube. once she started vomiting, I called for an ambulance. when the 911 operator asked, 'So ... you were roughing her up and gave her a concussion, huh?' I realized I had a long night in front of me."
- "Me and my boyfriend were going at it, and the position we were in was odd enough that every time he thrust in, air got caught inside my vagina, and made these weird fart/queef noises. So it went in, fart noise, out, in, fart noise, out. And repeat. Finally, we both started laughing so hard that we couldn't finish right then. And now we avoid that position. It was more embarrassing than gross."
- "I shot semen up a woman's nose."
- "In high school, I must have nicked my gentleman fellow's penis with a hangnail or something whilst administering a handjob in the dark, because we turned the light on and there was blood EVERYWHERE. He hadn't felt anything, but man, does a tiny cut on an engorged penis bleed. Knowing his mom was about to get home and we were in the living room (having defiled her sofa and now, her light-colored carpet with the gore of passion), we had to scramble to clean everything up and hide any evidence (like his now-scarlet boxer shorts). It was basically that scene from Pulp Fiction. And his dog kept coming over to try and lick up the blood from the carpet."
- "Starting my period 2 days early. Unexpected murder dick is no fun."
- "A hair got stuck in my throat and I puked on my partner's chest. Not a lot of puke, just a little white, frothy, gagging vomit, which was somehow worse. That, or some debris on the anal beads, but I understand that's pretty common."
- "Another persons sweat dripping into my mouth was for some reason horrifyingly gross. Organ you pee out of in my mouth? Great! Your passionate love sweat? No."