(As written by a husband.)
Let's be clear: your husband doesn't hate you, he just hates these nine things about you. Yes, nine to be exact. Like the number of lives a cat has. Your man dies a little inside every time you do (or don't do) these things.
Let's get started, shall we?
1. When you take up the ENTIRE bathroom counter.
It's cool honey, I'll just use the back of the toilet for my stuff. Until the time comes when a place with separate bathrooms can be afforded, please, I'm begging, go to the Container Store and buy something to put your sh*t in.
Don't get me wrong; anything that makes you feel good about yourself I'm all for, but please put it away when you're done. If I get one more burn from a hair straightener that's been left on the counter to cool, I'm gonna freak the f*ck out.
2. When you promise a blowjob and then don't follow through.
Ladies, it's the worst, akin to medieval torture. When a woman promises a blow job, it takes over our mind from the moment it's mentioned until the moment it happens. It kills our focus and becomes the only thing we think about.
This isn't necessarily a bad thing if delivered upon, but when it's not we are crushed in a way you may never fully understand. Our souls are literally put through a paper shredder and we feel thrown out like yesterday's garbage. For us, it's the deepest of betrayal.
3. When you give us driving directions when we clearly know where the hell we are.
We're human and a little help is always appreciated, but not every damn time. I'm not sure where the urge to let me know I need to turn left into my own driveway comes from. If you really think I'm not capable of finding my way to Trader Joe's three blocks away, we've got bigger problems.
4. When you ask, "Are you really going to wear that?"
Yes, I'm really going to wear this paint-stained white t-shirt to our nice dinner out. What I'm getting at here is that any man you've deemed worthy of marrying should be someone whose style and tastes line up with yours! I ask this question: Have I ever before not looked the part when the time came? (If the answer is yes, there's an issue.)
5. When you get mad at us for something you think we should have already known.
I assure you it never crossed our mind. If I could choose one superpower it would be telepathy. Why? So you'd stop getting mad at me for things I couldn't possibly have known were in YOUR head. It's not that men shouldn't try and be forward-thinking when it comes to their spouses, but until the day comes when my superpower dreams come true, you're going to have to remember that I'm NOT a mindreader.
6. When you get mad when we glance at another woman.
Men are animals, and so are woman for that matter. We have the instinct to not only check out the goods on a woman but also size up the men around us. It truly is an instinct. Asking us to suppress our subconscious need to check out and size up our fellow human beings is asking us to suppress a basic animal behavior.
Leering is one thing, but if it's just a glance, please just let that sh*t go. We actually, truly, didn't mean anything by it.
7. When you act like doggy-style is a way of us saying we don't care about you.
I have a favorite position. Yep, you guessed it: doggy-style. Why? Because it feels primal. It feels zen. It allows all thoughts to leave my mind and allows us to enter a moment in it's truest way.
From the arch in your back to the way we're physically connected, I feel truly merged, both spiritually and animalistically. So please stop telling me that doggy-style is a way I don't have to look at you during sex. That just hurts my feelings.
8. When you push us into outdated gender-related duties.
Do you think we expect you to make dinner, fold the laundry and do the dishes every day? No. So making us a "Honey Do" List is like us making you a preferred weekly dinner menu. I'll cook my own food, thanks. Or better yet, let's cook together!
9. When you text us a loaded question when we're out with the guys.
It's just confusing and entirely unfair. When we're out with the boys we are blowing off steam, and although men do connect on a deeper level, from time to time we'd prefer to do it on our terms.
When you text us a backhanded, passive aggressive comment like, "Hope you're having a good time. Don't forget we have marriage counseling in the morning," it kinda kills the vibe. We'll return the favor by not bringing sh*t up on girls night. I'm happier assuming you're telling all your friends what an amazing lover I am.