There Are Only 5 Penis Types In The World — Which One Does He Have?

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Not all dicks are created equally.

Does a perfect penis exist? Probably not, but some people believe they have come up close and personal — as close as someone can get — to perfection.

"Beaus with what I consider the 'perfect penis' are among the most charming, and typically have the best physiques. The perfect penis is one that's six-to-seven inches and cut to reveal a plump, mushroom head when aroused. The girth is proportional. Generally, these men know they've been tipped pretty well in the gene pool. They have chiseled facial features and nicely identified pectorals, but not necessarily defined all over. They're generally athletic, smell nice, and are well groomed," says Koji Morishita.

Personality-wise, these men are generally Type A, aggressive, yet know how to be sensitive.

"The perfect penis always makes me feel safe and secure because the man carrying it is very well grounded and emotionally stable. Don't even get me started on the voice of these guys! Ugh! The perfect, masculine pitch!" says Morishita. 

So what types of penises exist out there? Here are five different types of penises.

1. Short and Stubby

"This penis means the man is constantly making up for his shortcomings by overcompensating in other areas. For example, overdoing it at the gym. I've met many men of the Crossfit variety who match this description. I find guys with these dicks are often dicks themselves; they're highly irritable, and their egos overshadow their otherwise short dispositions. All that said, they're often fun to toy with and can be fairly witty when they want to be," says Morishita.

2. The Curved "That Way is North" Penis

For some men, things are always looking up.

"Men whose penises curve north (toward their heads) are optimistic, upbeat, and give off the vibe that nothing is going to go wrong. At the same time, they're often sensitive (perhaps this is because they'd rather not shamed for the shape of their penises), but they're also not apologetic or judgmental. I've come across a lot of dog lovers among this crowd, too," says Morishita.

3. The Curved "All Arrows Point South" Penis

On the other hand, we have men whose penises curve downward (sometimes rather sharply). The term "every man has his angle" comes to mind.

"Not only is this uncomfortable for the partner (man or woman) on the receiving end, but I associate these penises with men who are pretty selfish. They're cute in the face, but they don't exactly have the best bedside manner. Furthermore, they tend to be a bit skeezy," says Morishita.

4. The Frightened Turtle at Fort Hood

Have you seen this one? A guy has so much foreskin (generally uncut) that his penis barely shows its face, even when standing at full attention. This makes it rather difficult to salute the poor guy.

"I've seen these things in small versions and XXL. Regardless of how the penis functions itself, guys who carry this equipment are generally a bit aloof, not altogether organized, and certainly not among the more cleanly of the bunch. Be on the lookout for smegma and don't bother using the bathroom in this guy's apartment. Just thinking about this penis, I'm having visions of leftover take-out containers cluttering the kitchen countertops," says Morishita.

5. The Gourd

On a handful of occasions, we've run into penises that are shaped like gourds.

"They're narrow at the base and then widen at the top of the shaft, rounding out at the head. I've never seen his, but my brother-in-law must be sporting one of these. Guys with gourds are cocky, arrogant, brag a lot (even about the most minor of accomplishments), and otherwise have a rather dry personality. They're sheltered as opposed to ignorant. Let's say, very self-absorbed personalities," says Morishita.



Expert advice

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