A 21-Year-Old Gang Member Died Trying To Gold-Plate His Penis

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Today, in terrible ideas...

A 21 year-old L.A. gang member has died after trying to turn his penis into gold.

No, I am not tripping on LSD and writing (again, classic Becca, lolz), this is a thing that actually happened. 

Nazario Conchuza Gonzalez was a member of the infamous L.A. gang MS-13. To celebrate his birthday, Nazario covered his penis in a lead-based paint and attempted to plate it in gold using a plating machine he stole from a local garage. 


In the words of Herbert Morrison, upon witnessing the lethal and catastrophic explosion and crash of the Hindenburg zeppelin: "OH MY GOD, LEAVE YOUR PENIS ALONE YOU TOTAL LUNATIC." 

Prior to his death by golden penis, Nazario went by the nickname "Pelotas de Oro" which translates as "Golden Testicles". At the time of reporting, this journalist could not confirm whether or not Nazario included his testicles in his attempted plating fatality. 

Maybe Nazario was a fan of the Austin Powers film Goldmember? If so, it is a shame that he preferred this James Bond parody to its original, the film Goldfinger, and the gold plating of one's finger surely would've led to maybe not dying in a truly horrific and mortifying way.


Apparently this is a growing trend in the gang community. While it's unconfirmed, it's believed to be inspired by the Maya. Yes, because doing something inspired by an ancient race of people who made human sacrifices is an AWESOME and sound notion. 

Here's how I feel about gold-plating genitals: 

I love my vagina. But I do not love it so much I would attempt to have it encased with gold. I don't even mean just for practical reasons. Going into this story, all I could think of would be the different ways this experiment could go awry. I've survived too many other mortifying incidents to have my parents alerted that my demise was caused by gold-ing my genitals. 

If this is really a trend, it has to stop.  

Friends don't let friend gold plate their genitals. 

Nazario's buddies should have just bought him this instead. Same idea, less agonizing death:



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