Photo: WeHeartIt
These things are not as normal as you think.
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Jul 28, 2016
Whenever I get ready to rhapsodize about the miraculous properties of the vagina, I feel like Sebastian in The Little Mermaid singing about the joys of life under the sea.
This is doubly hilarious because Sebastian is a crab. Crabs, get it? Like pubic lice!
ANYWAY.
Talk of Disney animated features aside, your vagina IS great. It IS miraculous! It IS better down where it's wetter!
It's self-cleaning, it's life-giving, it's pleasurable and pleasure-giving. In a word, your vagina is the business.
That's what makes it so distressing when something goes wrong down there.
It's tempting to ignore a gross vaginal problem the way we might ignore a running nose or a tickle in our throats.
But guys. We shouldn't.
Most gag-worthy vagina problems are easy fixes that need that fixing in order to keep them from becoming scary and dangerous vagina problems. Here are a few of the big contenders.
1. My vagina seems TOO wet!
ENJOY IT. But seriously, if there's no color change, no smell, and no pain, relish your moisture. If it's a problem during sex, try a ribbed condom, or a dude with a foreskin for more friction. The only time to worry is if you notice this wetness is accompanied by one or two lumps beside your vaginal opening. Your Bartholin gland (responsible for that wonderful moisture) might have become clogged.
Treat them with a wet warm wash cloth, keep them clean, and try a hot bath. They're not that different from a zit, except my god if they get infected the agony is real. I get them ALL THE TIME.
2. My period blood is a weird color.
What do you mean by weird? If you mean darker or lighter or brighter than usual, that' s totally normal. The color of your period is determined by the age of the shit your body is expelling. Older = darker, etc. If your period blood is orange, that's when to see a doctor.
Typically orange blood means you are expelling cervical fluid, and could be suffering from an undiagnosed infection.
3. My vagina smells like fish.
First, take a bath and clean yourself sans soap. If the fishy smell remains, call your doctor. You might have bacterial vaginosis.
That's a common infection that's easy to treat. But don't ignore the symptoms since it can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease, which is much more painful and difficult to deal with.
4. My vaginal discharge looks like cottage cheese.
Maybe it is cottage cheese! But I'm going to go out on a limb and say it is probably not. It is probably a yeast infection. I wouldn't know, I have never had one. THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES! I think it is because I almost never wear underwear, true story. Anyway, get your vagina sorted out. A yeast infection is deeply unpleasant but not fatal.
Best to check with your doc before hitting up the pharmacy though, because cottage cheese discharge is also a common symptom of bacterial vaginosis.
5. My vagina keeps expelling gooey, rare black diamonds.
That's not disgusting (minus the goo part). That is magic. This wisdom will cost you three rare black diamonds, please.
6. My pelvic floor hurts all of the mother-loving time.
You might have ureaplasma. This unfortunate bacteria is tricky to diagnosis. It's often confused with yeast infections, UTIs, or STIs.
It's naturally occurring in your body, but if it overgrows you can start showing symptoms like pelvic pain, itching, and other glorious vagina problems.
Luckily ureaplasma are easily treated with antibiotics.