AKA all of them, amirite??
By Zahra Barnes
In an ideal world, every sex position would bring you unparalleled orgasms or, at the very least, not make you feel wildly uncomfortable. But as the Rolling Stones so aptly sang, you can’t always get what you want, which means if you’re having sex, you’ll likely encounter a sex position that makes your insides shrivel up and die.
Here, eight women share the sex positions that earn complete fails in their books.
1. Anything where she’s on top
“I have no idea what to do when I’m there! Do I go up and down? Side to side? Do I shimmy? I feel so awkward and unsure of myself that I almost never do it.” —Amanda D., 27
“When I’m in reverse cowgirl, I don’t feel very much, and I’m basically looking at my boyfriend’s feet, which aren’t very sexy. Sometimes I try to turn around a bit because I know that’s sexy but also because it’s creepy to just stare at his feet. Since I can barely feel him inside of me, I only know it’s working by the sounds he’s making. Also, I really worry about breaking his penis off. But he loves it, so we soldier on.” —Georgia C., 30
3. Anything in the shower
“I’m not sure if this is universal, but what the heck, why is shower sex so difficult? It seems so sexy and obviously works in movies, but come on, it’s like a broken hip waiting to happen. It’s too awkward to be worth it to me. How can you relax and enjoy yourself when you’re worried about breaking your hip?! But wait, does everyone feel that way?”—Eve K., 26
4. The bridge
“This is super popular in porn. It’s kind of reverse woman-on-top, but doing an insane yoga bridge/backbend over the person on bottom, so you’re pretty much horizontal over them and your heads are next to each other. What the f*ck even is that. I tried it twice, and it didn’t work. I mean, a) we’re supposed to be having sex, not doing aerial yoga, and b) how am I supposed to keep him in there? I’ve done it facing the other way, with my head over his feet, which is also tricky and probably not so great for the dude. But it’s much easier to bend forward quickly if there’s any discomfort or slippage. The other way, you’re screwed in more ways than one.” —Carrie S., 28
5. Simultaneous oral, aka 69
“I think 69 is awkward, and it doesn’t work. IMHO, it’s just a cop-out way for the guy to avoid actually going down on a girl. And how am I supposed to come with a dick in my mouth? It’s distracting!” —Megan M., 23
6. The rowing boat
“My guy and I decided to give this position a shot. You sit facing each other with your knees bent—their legs should be inside of yours, and you’re each kind of propping each other’s lower legs up with your forearms. Once we got into the ~proper position~, we just couldn’t figure it out. The angle was awkward, it was impossible for either of us to move, and we pretty much got trapped in each other’s legs. Not ideal.” —Lindsey L., 22
“I have terrible rhythm, so cowgirl is awkward unless the guy is funny and willing to laugh with me. Sometimes it gets better once I put it out there in the open, but it depends on the guy. Still, I can never get it to work rhythm-wise, no matter how much I like him or how good the chemistry is.” —Lara N., 25
8. Good old missionary
“I don’t know what to do with my face, because nine times out of 10 it doesn’t feel SO amazing that I need to moan. As for my hands, the ‘proper’ placement would be his back, but they have to do something to let him know I’m still alive instead of just lying there. Do I just rub his back? This is sex, not a casual back massage. Do I put them on his butt?! That just feels weird. As I’m thinking about all of this, he’s still going at it, thrusting in and out, and it’s even more awkward when I look into his eyes. What do I do with my face?! Smiling is way too creepy, so sometimes I let out a fake moan or lean in for a makeout session so we can stop staring at each other. Throughout all of this, I’m trying to roll him off me so we can switch positions.” —Ashley S., age 22
This article was originally published at Self.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.