Men are the worst (and best).
Tasked with gathering quotes about men (a task of my own making, because what better task could there be?), I'm horrified to admit that what first popped into my head was "men, men, men, men, men, men." Yeah, the a cappella theme song to Two and a Half Men, a TV show I've never even seen, at least not on purpose.
I suppose that with theme songs, as with men, sometimes it's the things that bug you most that burrow deep into the brain, and resurface exactly when you least want them to. But then, there are plenty of much better musings that come to mind, once I push that sitcom earworm to the side.
I'm not going to preface this list with many more words because the ones here are far better and, like the best kind of man, do the job of leaving me speechless.
"Summer bachelors, like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be."
2. "He had everything a dream boy should have. Back, front, sides, Everything. A head."
3. "He was a mystery to her, and every time she tried to solve him it caused her a little more pain. But when she tried to give him up, he pursued her in her thoughts, stronger each time."
— Anna Godberson, Envy
4. "Give me a man with a little fight in him, a man who calls me on my bullsh*t. (But who also kind of likes my bullsh*t.)"
"I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of."
"I miss him like one might miss a scar, or wooden leg, something disfiguring but characteristic."
7. "What should I do with him — dress him in my apparel and make him my waiting gentlewoman? He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man; and he that is more than a youth is not for me, and he that is less than a man, I am not for him."
8. "'Damn, damn, damn,' she said. 'I never said why I like you, and now I have to go.'
'That's okay,' he said.
'It's because you're kind," she said. "And because you get all my jokes...'
'Okay.' He laughed.
'And you're smarter than I am.'
'I am not."
'And you look like a protagonist.' She was talking as fast as she could think. 'You look like the person who wins in the end. You're so pretty, and so good. You have magic eyes,' she whispered. 'And you make me feel like a cannibal.'"
"'A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.' I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles."
10. "The best men tell you the truth because they think you can take it; the worst men either try to preserve you in some innocent state with their false protection, or are 'brutally honest.' When someone tells, lets you think for yourself, experience your own emotions, he is treating you as a true equal, a friend... And the best men cook for you."
― Whitney Otto, How to Make an American Quilt
11. "Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men."
"If I try to summon back his face, the sound of his voice, and the sensation in my stomach like a key turning in a lock when he touched me, I lose everything."
13. "Still, who could say what men ever were looking for? They looked for what they found; they knew what pleased them only when they saw it."
14. "Here was a man who'd learned to write before he could think, a man who threw out logical fallacies like tacks behind a getaway car, and he always always always got away."
15. "Men, she thought, were one of the world's few sure comforts, like a fire on a cold October night, like cocoa, like broken-in-slippers. Their clumsy affections, their bristly faces, and their willingness to do what needed to be done — cook an omelette, change lightbulbs, make with hugging — sometimes almost made being a woman fun."
16. "The highest men are calm, silent and unknown... The true masters seldom reveal themselves, except in the vibrations the leave behind, and upon which the lesser gurus build their doctrines."
17. "Only a man can see in the face of a woman the girl she was. It is a secret which can be revealed only to a particular man, and, then, only at his insistence. But men have no secrets, except from women, and never grow up in the way women do. It is very much harder, and it takes much longer, for a man to grow up, and he could never do it at all without women. This is a mystery which can terrify and immobilize a woman, and it is always the key to her deepest distress."
"Men. Do they all evade as first line of defense?"
19. "I detest these underdone men, he thought coldly. Boiled looking! Ought to be shoved back in the oven; just one more minute would do it."
20. "A new conquest always had a wonderful effect on Charlie. He became overnight generous, understanding, inexhaustibly good-humored, relaxed, kind to cats, dogs, and strangers, expansive, and compassionate."
"When a man's neck's in danger, he doesn't stop to think too much about sentiment."
22. "I feel like you want to think what you're feeling is really deep, like some seriously profound existential sh*t. But to me, it looks like the most tired, the most average thing in the world, the guy who is all interested in a woman until the very moment it dawns on him he has her. Wanting only what you can't have. The affliction of shallow morons everywhere."
23. "Because every man who fight monster become a monster too, and there be at least one woman in Kingston who think me is the killer of all things name hope."
24. "Making female noises, shrieking and squeaking and being shrill, all those things that annoy people with longer vocal cords. Another case where the length of organs seems to be so important to men."
25. "It is possible to make family any way you like. It is possible to love men without rage. There are thousands of ways to love men."
26. "The easy joy and the joyful ease of sex with men, their easy-access genitalia, their uncomplicated inner lives..."
27. "Altogether he was one in whom no man would have seen anything to admire, and in whom no woman would have seen anything to dislike."
"All men are fools, if truth be told, but the ones in motley are more amusing than ones with crowns."
29. "Men! She could not understand why so many women feared them. Hadn't the gods made them with the most vulnerable part of their guts hanging right out of their bodies, like a misplaced bit of bowel? Kick them there and they curled up like snails. Caress them there and their brains melted."
30. "'Guys are great before you know who they are,' said Lucy. 'They're great when you're still with who they might be.'"
"Cats, like men, are flatterers."
32. "It's easy to convince men to love you, Puck. All you have to do is be a mountain they have to climb or a poem they don't understand. Something that makes them feel strong or clever. It's why they love the ocean."
"When a man once loved a woman he will do anything for her except continue to love her."
34. "I require only three things of a man: He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."
35. "A man's at odds to know his mind cause his mind is aught he has to know it with. He can know his heart, but he dont want to. Rightly so. Best not to look in there."
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