Just like sands through the hourglass so go the boobs of our lives.
Your boobs are going to sag.
That's just how it is. We age and our bodies change. And gravity, well, she's one saucy bitch.
Your actual boob (and not your pectoral muscle, for you all you nerdy naysayers) has no muscle. Instead it's made up of fat, milk glands, and connective tissue.
All that good stuff is held in place by your skin. So of course, as your 30s end (and this goes double if you breastfeed) your skin loses elasticity and the good ol' boob begins to creep down to lower ground.
The inevitable maw of death aside, there are some things you can do to limit the amount of boob sagging you experience.
1. Stop Smoking Right Now
In addition to all of the other awful things smoking does to your hot hot bod, studies show that smoking reduces the already depleting levels of collagen in aging skin.
Less collagen = more sag. Hello, saggy boobs!
2. Stop Tanning OMG WHY ARE YOU STILL TANNING?!
Laying out in the sun without SPF is just idiotic at this point. You will get cancer! That's awful!
Best case scenario, your skin will start to thin, making boob sagging THAT much more obvious.
Let me appeal to your vanity if not your common sense.
3. Wear Bras That Fit
Even the best bra on the planet won't keep your breasticles from sagging.
But one holds you up and supports you, one that is the Jay to your Bey, can reduce the damage caused by shit like running around trying to exercise and slumping over at your desk drooling at photos of Chris Hemsworth.
4. You are not Quasimodo
Most of us slouch. That's because life is hard and boobs are heavy.
Being aware of your posture won't keep your boobs from sagging, but it will make them LOOK perkier and/or like you are about to burst out into song, which I fully support.
5. Stop Yo-Yoing
DIETING, that is. If you want to keep playing with a toy yo-yo, I support you in living your best possible life.
But dieting and then gaining back weight takes a toll on the elasticity of your skin.
So yes, magically learn to love your body in order to keep your perky breasts *side eyes at science*.
6. Work your chesticles
Your boobs are straight up fat, as we've previously discussed. But your pecs are in there too. Working out regularly can make your pecs strong and reduce the appearance of sagging boobs.
7. Drown in Aloe Vera
8. Rub them down
Use coconut oil and give the girls a sexy rub down a few times a week to increase elasticity and improve tone and texture. Plus you could be one of those people who comes through nipple play, so ... bonus!
9. Drink water, boo!
Your boob skin thanks you in advance.