Slightly adapted from a drunken conversation I had with my cat.
Hey, boo. How's it going?
Actually, don't answer that. I already know what anti-love nonsense you're cooking up.
It's probably been somewhere in the ballpark of 24 to 48 hours since you've last heard from the latest guy you thought was into you, and you're starting to question everything about yourself.
The kind of power that makes a girl who was once quoted as being a "heartless bitch" doubt her own self esteem shouldn't belong in the hands of a guy you just met.
Or any guy for that matter.
But somehow it does. It always does.
I know at this point you're on the floor with a bottle of rosé, yelling at your Netflix for messing up because all you want to do is drown in "Parks and Rec" and forget about the world.
Thankfully you're safe inside the walls of your apartment and no one is there to witness this shit storm go down except for your cat, Cheeks. Hashtag silver lining.
Rejection is a bitch, and after 23 years of experience I don't think there's a way around it.
And while you're handling of these situations has drastically improved since you were 16 (we should probably send apology letters to anyone who had to deal with us then), you've still got some things to learn.
Here are some of the following things that Mom has already told you 100 fucking times, but you were too busy being pitiful to listen:
1. Slow down. Like really, slow down.
I know that nose diving head first into the unknown and just trusting the universe to catch you is kind of your thing — and there have been countless times that it's worked out just fine — but you have this terrible tendency to ignore red flags in pursuit of the potential.
Take some actual time to get to know someone before getting too caught up because I'd say roughly 70 percent of the guys you meet don't deserve your full attention.
2. Date a bunch of people all at once.
While it's much more your style to get wrapped up in one person than five, when you stop talking to other guys in hopes that it will work out with one, you're already committing.
Before anything's been said and done, you've sent a nonverbal message to this dude and the universe that you're cool with waiting it out even if he doesn't feel the same.
Don't stop dating until you're sure that's what he wants too — even if you think it's a little icky.
3. Don't let this deflate you.
You're allowed to be hurt by rejection. It doesn't matter how many bad bitch quotes you post or how confident you feel when everything is going your way, someone not feeling the same way about you sucks. And while you can totally take a few hours to pout and let out all your frustrations (side note: get a punching bag), don't let this guy take up anymore of your time.
It's not going to work out, so the best thing you can do for yourself is move on.
The most important thing you can do right now is to not take everything so seriously. Focus on living your best life and having fun.
And when the time is right, someone will come along.
Now get off the floor and go to bed. Tomorrow's the perfect day to start over again.