Who said sex was clean?
Oral sex is pretty great, especially if the person down there really knows what they are doing. But a lot of people don't enjoy it, and things get kind of awkward. Or your body revolts on you and things get even worse.
Women have it easy since the penis isn't all that complicated. But the vagina? The vagina requires something of a map. Once they go down there, there's so many ways to go, buttons to push, and instances where things can go wrong. Are they moving their tongue enough? Or too much? Does it feel oddly like you are being stabbed or massaged? Did he burp? Did you fart?
In a lot of ways, being eaten out can be a lot like a very intricate dance, and it's important you both know the moves. Here are seven disgusting things that can happen while he's performing cunnilingus.
1. He uses the "dead fish" tongue.
"Do not ever do what I call the 'Dead Fish' tongue on a woman. That's when you just open your mouth, let your lazy ass tongue lay there like a dog's tongue while he's sleeping, and nod your head up. It's the clitoral equivalent to nails on a chalkboard," says sex expert Lora Somoza.
2. You get your period.
It wasn't supposed to come just yet, or you thought it was over. But all you know is that suddenly, he's lifting his face and it looks like a murder scene. And believe it or not, there are some men who are actually into giving oral sex while a woman is menstruating.
3. You fart.
We've probably all been there. You're getting into the action and you suddenly let out a quick fart. Maybe he heard it, maybe not, but you're absolutely mortified.
"I try to control it, but sometimes a little fart escapes during a very enjoyable cunnilingus session. I'm a pescetarian and I happen to be quite gassy, so if I know I'm going to have sex, I try to avoid eating anything that will increase the chances of me passing gas during the act. Some men are into farts though, so it could be considered a sexy kink in that case, but the average man would be turned off," says Tyomi Morgan, a sex expert.
4. You queef.
It's kind of like a fart, but unique to your lady area. And while it's not nearly as gross as a fart, it sounds kind of like one and can really make that moment awkward. If you and your sex partner have a sense of humor, laughing it off usually does the trick.
5. He tongues your assh*le without telling you.
OK, so he doesn't have a dead fish tongue. Their tongue is going places, but suddenly it's in your ass. And you are NOT into that. But you don't really want it back at your clit area now, do you? Everything is ruined.
6. You pee a little.
It can happen, and it's mortifying. Just another reason to keep paper towels or napkins next to the bed.
7. He gets your hair stuck in his teeth.
GROSS. Now you really wish you got that Brazilian, huh?