I Will Always F*ck You Better Than Karma

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I Will Always Fuck You Better Than Karma
Heartbreak, Self

Karma's a bitch, but so am I.

Karma's a bitch. The basic premise is this: you get what you give. If you give love and happiness, you get back love and happiness in spades. But if you give meanness and cruelty, you get back meanness and cruelty back multifold.

Call karma luck with a twist, or luck with a bonus. But when you mess with karma, karma messes with you. Maybe in this life, or the next life. But sometime, you're going to get it.

Karma may have you down in the dumps. Karma might wreck your car, ruin your job prospects, or spill your Starbucks tea. It might destroy your chances with that girl, the one you've been chasing for months. Karma can set your house on fire and make your dog run away.

It can make you ugly. It can make you sunburnt. It can break your nose and blacken your eyes. But I will always f*ck you better than karma.


Always. You can pin me against the wall and hold my arms above my head, if that's what you need, and I will thrust my hips into yours as hard as I can and moan your name until you come. I will push you down on the bed, strip you naked, and suck you until you're hard.

Then I'll ride you until you explode inside me. I'll face you or be in reverse cowgirl. I'll even f*ck you in the ass as hard as you want me to, dildo thrusting, while I jerk you off and you come all over your stomach. What do you want? I'll do it. I'll f*ck you seven ways from Sunday and then f*ck you one more time after that.

Karma can f*ck you, but I will always f*ck you better. 

Because the second you try to f*ck with me, it's on. Karma might have a sense of restraint: it won't burn down your house unless you've done the equivalent to someone else, in this life or another. I don't have that sense. I don't care what else you've done, except you've f*cked with me. You cheated on me. You stood me up. You ignored me. You put me down in public. You fat-shamed me, or called me ugly, or did something equally heinous. You pegged me for a one-night stand.

You broke up with me for someone else.

And remember, karma's a bitch, but I'm bitchier. Karma will f*ck you, but I will always, always f*ck you harder, and I'll always, always f*ck you better.


I'll embarrass you in public. I'll send out those dick pics ... and make sure both your mother and your boss get a copy. I'll key your car. I'll file a sexual harassment suit against you at work, because I was led to believe that one-night stand meant more than just wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

I'll show up at your favorite restaurant and make a drunken scene, complete with weeping and wine in a paper bag. I'll make sure you're on a date when I do it. I'll go teenager: pour sugar in your gas tank and order 20 pizzas to your house. I'll go adult: claim you hit my car and owe me thousands in chiropractic care.

I'll call you, play the worst earworm I can think of, and hang up. Come to think of it, I'll smash your cell and erase your email data. I'll change all your passwords.

My campaign of harassment will go so far that you'll wish karma would burn your house down.


So you want to stay on my good side. Because while karma's a bitch, I'm bitchier. Karma might wait until the next life to f*ck you over. But I've only got this one life, pal, and a limited time to f*ck you. So stay on my good side.

I will always f*ck you harder than karma, and you'll love me for it. No bland sex from me. I will f*ck you hard, and you will love it. But if you decide to f*ck me over, I will destroy you. I will always, always f*ck you better than karma.



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