Hello, my name is Becca and I'm here to save your vagina.
"My vagina is fine," I hear you saying. "Please stop trying to lift up my skirt from the internet and lecture me."
If there's one thing I'm passionate about, it's vagina health. Take it from me, someone who burned her own vagina in a quest to give you, gentle readers, all the information you never asked for about vaginal weightlifting.
Your vagina can do so many things.
It's super strong, super smart, and self-cleaning, like a high-end oven that can make both brownies and a turkey at the same time.
There are also now more than ever, so many different things you can do to your vagina. But how many of them are safe? A good rule of thumb, if you find yourself going "should I do this to my vagina?" you probably shouldn't.
Here are 7 things you should straight up NEVER do if you want your precious lady parts to remain in tip top form.
Vaginal steaming is having a moment (that is a sentence I just straight up wrote FOR WORK). Like so many others, I blame Paltrow. Now to get all hipster about it, I knew alllll about vaginal steaming way before Goop glommed onto it. Vagina steaming is a pretty common practice at Korean spas where mugwort infused (barf) steam is used to "clean your uterus".
Ladies you are about to hear what will become a desperate refrain in this piece: let your vagina clean itself. That's what it was designed to do.
Sometimes I get these things called Bartholin's cysts. It's when the glands by my vagina get clogged and I essentially get HUGE MASSIVE VAGINA ZITS. I should let them go away on their own, but very often I will chug a bottle of scotch, sterilize a safety pin and go to town. This is not the sort of self-medicating I mean though it is almost equally ill-advised.
It's tempting to try and regulate yeast infections and the like with garlic and tea tree oil. Don't. Your vagina is important and we have evolved away from sticking cloves of garlic up our snatches for a reason.
GO TO THE DOCTOR, DAWG!
Oh my god why are people still douching?! At what point are we as a gender going to spot a package labeled shit like "Vaginal Douche: Now With More Oh-God-Husband-Please-Don't-Leave-Me Musk Than Ever Before!" and realize that we have been HAD!
I repeat: LET YOUR VAGINA CLEAN ITSELF. THAT'S WHAT IT WAS DESIGNED TO DO. If a man says you taste fishy or gross, question his sexuality.
This is your right.
4. Inserting UFOs
"Hm, this light bulb from Ikea looks like it would feel reeeeeallly good jammed up my vagina." - The famous last words of a woman who stuck something not designed to go up her vagina, up her vagina before she shattered said light bulb and died from shame.
If it isn't sterile and it isn't made for you hooch, get it gone or pay the price.
5. Pierce It
Piercing your genitals can be fine ... provided you live in one of the small small handful of states where that shit is regulated. If it isn't there's no way of knowing if you're headed for infection city. You could take the risk for a sparkly clit, or you could, I don't know, NOT PIERCE YOUR GENITALS YOU MONSTERS.
I'm sorry, I started thinking about Prince Albert piercings and I got upset.
6. Use Nair/Veet/Other Devil Creams
Hair removal creams are a great way of removing leg hair and pit hair, even. But my god keep them far, far away from your junk. It is far better to suffer through waxing than to risk the chemical burn that could occur if you get Nair happy on your mons pubis.
7. Wash It With Scented Soaps
Your vagina is a delicious perfect rain forest. Introducing another perfume or chemical will upset the delicate balance of its ecosystem. It's just like Fern Gully only with less singing and dancing and also fairies.
I mean, presumably. I don't know your life.