Ask yourself this one question, men...
It is no secret that I have strong opinions when it comes to dating and relationships. Some are considered "old-fashioned" and others couldn't possibly be further from that definition. I have molded my views based on my values and also my experiences.
I understand what relationships used to be like and what they currently are. I'm doing my best to strike a balance between what I consider the positives of past, present, and also future.
For this reason, I receive interesting comments from people (men and women) who both agree and disagree with my approach(es). All are welcome, of course.
However, I also receive questions about what a man really should be doing to attract women. What is it that women want? Do they want the gentleman? The bad boy? Someone in between?
The real question being asked, though, is: Do they want me? And if not, what can I do to make it so that they do? Fundamentally, this mindset is already flawed.
Questions like, "How can I get a woman to go out with me?" and "How can I make her want to date me?" completely miss the point. Even more importantly, they perpetuate the idea that women are some sort of science experiment that you can predict when all of the variables are correct.
The real question we should be asking is: How can I become the man who women want to date?
Consider the analogy of a moth and a flame. Many men out there act like the moth — they are attracted to the flame, often erratically bouncing around and never getting too close for fear of getting burned. Meanwhile, the flame is casually burning, essentially unaware of the moth's presence. Probably because there are so many moths gathering around it, yet all of which are keeping their distance.
The importance here is not to be the moth who gets the closest, but to learn to become the flame. It is to learn to improve ourselves first. To work on whatever part(s) of yourself you want to improve. To focus on a goal, and accomplish it. To dress in a way that makes you feel powerful. To get that new haircut. To spend time with and observe people who you want to be like. To read more books. To subscribe to more newsletters. To study philosophy. To watch more documentaries. To join a gym.
To do whatever it is going to take for you, personally, to become the best possible version of yourself — and constantly be a work in progress. This is the best thing you can do to attract your "Mrs. Right," whomever she may be.
I'm not the man I want to be, but I'm better off than I was six months ago. And in six more months I will be better off than I am now. And in another six months, even better.
Women want men who can challenge them intellectually. Who will excite them. Who will possess confidence. Who are social. They want men who inspire them.
The path of self-improvement will be different for every single person reading this because we all have different natural talents, different goals, and different dreams. But the direction for all of us is the same: Forward.
If you somehow succeed in "getting" a woman to go out with you, you have successfully taken a single step up a long staircase. Without the substance and depth a mature woman will want in the man she commits herself to, you will not get much further than that first step.
So, before you ask yourself why you cannot find the right woman, ask yourself: Have I worked hard enough to become the right man?
This article was originally published at James M. Sama. Reprinted with permission from the author.