Adopt the attitudes of happily divorced men to save your marriage.
I’m a happily divorced man.
The divorce came first – then the happy. Pain first – then growth. It just doesn’t happen for us the other way around. This is true for any guy who attains happily divorced man (HDM) status.
First come the pain, confusion, anger, powerlessness…did I say pain… of feeling like a failure. It feels like your guts are in a vice and someone keeps tightening it. You lose your appetite and then weight. Then you lose sleep and ability to focus.
Your brain is like mush and you can’t concentrate or keep a sane thought in your head.
This is exactly the time when you first realize, “Dang, I need to talk about this.” Then you usually wait another 6 months or so. You think it may be impossible to be truly happy again.
And you would be wrong.
You Don’t Need to Wait for the Pain, But You Probably Will
If you are a man in a struggling, frustrating or painful relationship you can actually choose to start growing now and not wait for the divorce!
What stuff is that?
Stuff like why your wife secretly notices other men who are happily divorced. You may have already observed that and it kills you.
Yeah, that sucks doesn’t it? That happened to me too. I didn’t understand. I had no idea why she could not see in me what she thought she saw in others.
I do now.
I was acting like an unhappily married man instead of an HDM.
It turns out that these guys drive women wild… in every sense. Why wouldn’t you decide to be this guy while you’re still married?
Sounds like a really stupid question, I know. But it’s not. It’s your only way through this no matter what happens with your stinking marriage. And it’s probably the only thing that has a chance of improving it. And if you’re thinking this, yes… I spend a lot of time talking to wives and ex-wives like yours.
How the HDM Drives Women Wild
Here is a partial, unexaggerated list of things the HDM’s enjoy every day:
- They are no longer angry men.
- They are not “upset” with women.
- They are confident in their own value and don’t need validation from others.
- They have sex. Good sex. Lots of it.
- They have amazing, fulfilling conversations with other men and women.
- They are not “rattled” by anything women do.
- They see through a woman’s protective shell and into the truth of her insecure “little girl”.
- They talk freely, without shame, about their own annoying, insecure “little boy”.
- They feel empathy from a strong, masculine place of love and respect for women.
- They are calm and deliberate in how they relate to women – and the world.
- They really, really like who they are being as a man.
- They know they are valuable men of integrity and character. They are a “prize”.
- They are massively secure.
- They give their presence and attention to women without strings or gamesmanship.
- They have a low pulse and respiration rate around beautiful women – even when they are mad or upset.
- They unaffected by a woman’s anger because they know it’s not all about them – and it hardly ever is.
- They laugh at the games and contradictions that some women present to them.
- They swiftly remove people from their life who drain them and disrespect them and their values.
- They develop deeper, more meaningful and rewarding relationships with inspiring men and women.
- They have an “abundance mindset” which allows them to give of themselves without strings.
- They know they can create whatever they want to have.
- They speak boldly about their past mistakes and cheerfully share what they’ve learned.
- They “Don’t give a fuck”.
- What other people think of them
- That some women get mad, upset or disappointed
- That some women won’t like him
- That most people don’t understand him
- That most people will never achieve what he has
- They are more aware, more skilled, more generous and more satisfied in their sex life.
- They are in charge of their own happiness and mood every day.
- They take away the power that women and others have had to validate them and make them feel good or bad.
- They laugh more. Out loud.
- They are more focused and more productive.
- They are more proactive and intentional with everything they do.
- They are more confrontational in defending their boundaries and responding with strength and calm confidence.
- They have little time or patience for whiners, complainers and victims – including the women in their life.
- They lead by example – consistently demonstrating the life they will live and what they expect from those in their life.
- They attract feminine attention constantly and they know exactly why it’s happening and what to do with it.
- They don’t regard any one woman as the finish line of their life. They have options if needed.
- They are totally unapologetic in their masculinity
- They are transparent in their sexuality and expectations for connected, affectionate and passionate intimacy.
- They don’t take anything personally – ever.
- They know they always have options and opportunities to have what they want.
- They cheerfully and lovingly invite people into their life, but nobody stands in their way.
- They don’t negotiate, compromise or sacrifice their values or their purpose.
- They are clear and pleased about who they are and the life they are creating for themselves.
- Women tell them, “I’ve never met a man like you.” And “I feel so safe, feminine and sexy with you.”
- They have no qualms about telling women “no” and ending relationships that don’t meet their expectations.
- They learn fast that their new frame totally changes their business or career success.
- They attract more customers and more promotions because they have learned how to lead themselves. This creates a new leader within that others respect and want to follow.
- They love boldly and openly and vulnerably. When they decide to go “all in” in a relationship they expect the same in return.
Is This A Pipe Dream?
Okay. You’re probably thinking, “Sounds nice. Unattainable – but nice.” You’re probably thinking that achieving results like those is possible for only a very small percentage of men. And you’d be correct.
You probably have met only one or two of these guys in your life, if that many. And if you’re like me, you quietly envied them. You figured they had a chromosome you didn’t have, therefore, they were “outliers” – freaks.
Nope. Not true. There are millions of these men around the world.
And the ONLY thing that separates you from them is this: They have committed to the process of developing the competence and then, the CONFIDENCE, to change the way they think, speak and act. The only difference between you and them is that they made a decision. They wanted more and, dammit, they would figure out how to have more – BE more. They didn’t wish for things to be different – they wished for themselves to be better.
This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.