These 4 Crystal Sex Toys Heal Addiction And Help You Fall In Love

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chakrubs crystal sex toys
Sex

Among other things (all according to the company who makes them...)

Open your third eye, and make sure your clit is standing at full attention: There are some new sex toys in town and they want to get you off hardcore, and then maybe make you a floral crown and twirl around in a field while listening to Janis Joplin. 

Ladies and germs, meet Chakrubs

In the simplest terms, these are dildos, butt plugs, and eggs made from 100% pure crystal.

(Somebody get Jenna Dewan Tatum on the horn. Girlfriend loves her some crystals!)

At last, the sex toys geologists everywhere have been clamoring for! Make a topographical map of my heart, y'all, because these gems are the business. 

The company's name comes from the Sanskirt word Chakra, which is used to define the energy circles that make up the human body. Look, here is a fun chart:

Because the company is making sex toys, they have added "rub" the end of the word to make it clear that these gems are designed solely to help you get groovy with yourself. 

In their words, "Chakrubs are sex toys made from 100% pure crystal that bring a sense of sacredness to your playtime.  These beautiful, hand-crafted tools are created with the intention of opening oneself up to the healing properties crystals provide. Crystals have perfect molecular structures that have positive effects on our electro-magnetic fields. When our energectic [sic]  bodies are at ease, we are at ease, we are open to healing, to peace, to love, to all of life's pleasures."

As a naturally sarcastic person, my bullshit detector went into overdrive after reading this description. Having bought one too many "electromagnetic hair brushes" courtesy of Sky Mall, I'm no fool. But in addition to being sarcastic, I also have a ghost radar on my phone and sleep beside a pink Himalayan salt crystal "just in case."

Needless to say, I wanted to know more about these magical gemulons (note: gemulon is not a word, but definitely should be). 

Behold... 

1. The Gaia Stone

This jasper dildo must be good, because it's sold out. The site claims that "One of its interesting and powerful attributes [of jasper] is its ability to aid you to right injustices." 

Good to know. I have often wanted to feel like I am Batman while furiously masturbating with a literal rock

2. The Tumbled Amethyst Yoni Egg

Yoni eggs are something I have experience with.

Gut-wrenching, burned lady bits experience, but experience all the same. The eggs are meant to help strengthen your pelvic floor. Or as I learned when telling my mom about them, "training to shoot ping pong balls out of there."

Amethyst apparently helps you lucid dream and overcome addiction.

Forget medically supervised detox, just put this purple stone up your snatch and dream your issues with booze away. 

3. The Rose Wand: 

This wand is made of rose quartz, "the emotional heart of stone". They selected this stone for vaginal penetration because of its sensual feminine energy. It's supposed to "dissolve your fears and resentments and put your in touch with divine love".

That happened to me once, but only because I accidentally took E. There were no crystals involved to my knowledge. 

4. And finally, The Root

This butt plug is made of obsidian stone which is known for its grounding properties.

That's good, you don't want something known for flitting here and there being jammed up your ass. In fact, a noted hatred for wandering would be best.

Chakrubs says, "The area surrounding our root chakra represents the primal, sensual, and creative level of our beings, and is the focus of intense magnetic attraction. Our butts contain an incredibly complex web of muscles and sensitive nerve endings with high energetic potential."

That is why whenever I fart, I am doing the world a favor releasing such powerful energies. I think we can all agree on that. 

Fans of the stones have some helpful tips.

Like not letting anyone else touch them for fear of spoiling your connection with said stone. I do this with my vibrators but mainly because I don't think it's kind to just fling your sex toys into the arms of your friends.

Because they are stone, get them warm before use. Some folks like to sleep with their stones under their pillows. That does not seem very comfortable to me, but then again, neither does pleasuring myself with a pricey rock.

To each their own!

Would you try crystal sex toys?

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